|
September 1991,
Thailand
Five
'o clock. Vadim opened his eyes to the grey pre-dawn room,
felt Dan wrapped around him, Dan's face against his neck.
Spooning. Dan. His. Life and living. Mission accomplished.
He had him back. No more feeling hollow and empty and hurting,
no more. Peace. Till death doth us part. He turned, looked
at Dan sleeping there, and thought they should stay out of
the wars, the Gulf, or whatever fucking place decided to blow
up next. Stay the hell away because these wars were just inviting
disaster to happen. They should try and live in peace.
He idly
ran his fingers through Dan's hair, then turned some more
and kissed him on the brow, nose, lips. "I'll go for
a swim."
Hardly
any reaction from Dan, just a nonsensical mumble, before he
rolled into the warm space vacated by Vadim. Curled up into
the thin bedclothes, his wild hair entangled on the pillows.
Dark and silver streaks, barely visible in the murky light
to come.
Vadim
found the speedos, glanced back over his shoulder, but Dan
was sleeping on, relaxed, except for one fist, the right one,
that lay beside his head. Couldn't help but smile at the image,
and more at the thought that Dan would be like this when he
returned. Like he'd never been a soldier, just somehow had
shed all military time keeping. He'd order breakfast on the
way back.
*
* * * * * *
When
Vadim returned, the sun was lighting up the entire room, creating
swirling patterns on the wooden floor, with the breeze blowing
the light gauze curtains into the room. The smell of cigarette
smoke was wafting across the wide open space, a sign that
Dan was awake. Lying in the very middle of the vast bed, legs
open, pillows in his back, and arms flopped by his side, lifting
his head at the noise. His face was expressionless, until
he caught sight of Vadim and his lips began to curve slightly,
brighten, light touching his dark eyes, finally smiling.
Vadim
shed the speedos on the way in, walked past to toss them into
the bathtub and gather two towels, one of which he slung around
his waist, drying himself with the other. "A penny for
your thoughts."
"I've
never seen the scar." Dan's answer came as swift as a
bullet. Didn't move anything but his eyes that followed Vadim's
movements.
Vadim
paused, feeling oddly self-conscious about the scar. He knew
at once which scar. The other scar Dan had given him. It had
healed pretty well, all told. "I guess
you want
to?" Cautious, not sure how to read Dan now. Didn't want
to lie down and open up and get fucked. Not now. Too fast.
The bitch that lay down at a mere gesture, ready to take it
and get fucked.
I
wonder if I can make a masochist suffer for real. Does this
make you hard, Krasnorada? Should I be less gentle?
"Why
not?" Dan smiled, confusion flickered across his face,
before it was gone again and he pulled himself up to sit.
As unselfconscious as ever. He held a hand out, palm up, open.
Beckoning. "You were gone when I woke." His voice
didn't hold accusation nor question.
"Yes,
I was swimming." Vadim stepped forward, then lay down
next to Dan, one towel still in place, but he let the other
slip from his hand.
"No,
really?" Dan rolled his eyes with a grin. "I wouldn't
have noticed, with you all wet and in those things that are
a mere excuse for swimming trunks."
"There
will be breakfast in half an hour." Vadim turned his
head, looked at Dan and smiled. Felt slightly reluctant as
he took the towel off, still wanted Dan and always would,
but at the same time that submission, that acceptance, just
didn't come. Like his body had forgotten how good it felt.
Like he was some weird kind of virgin again, reluctant, but
willing.
"I
missed you, waking." Dan turned his head, but remained
on his back, merely lifting his arm to lazily run his hand
down along Vadim's shoulder, arm, flank.
Vadim
placed a hand against Dan's chest, saw the 'V' scar on Dan's
arm when he moved it, and thought all will be good, we have
the scars to prove it.
"How
did it heal?" Dan murmured, as if reluctant to breach
anything that touched the subject of Vadim's imprisonment.
"Took
a while." Vadim felt that tightness in his throat again.
"They gave me an examination after they brought me in.
They were thorough." Bend over, bitch. They'd checked
everything, every place inside and outside. As if he'd hide
a gun in any of those unlikely places.
Dan twitched,
had been too late to hide the reaction. "That means they
saw
knew
" he shook his head, "Fuck,
they knew anyway. That Colonel bastard told me about the camera."
He wanted to shudder, instead just narrowed his eyes.
"Yes."
The trial. The transcription, read out to him, to mock and
humiliate him further.
What
makes a man want to be cut? Explain to me, Vadim Petrovich,
how you could possibly have wanted to be treated like that,
used and abused and injured by an enemy?
"After
the medical, they put me away for a few hours, and then warmed
me up for the first
talk."
Dan's
hand rested on Vadim's hip, a heavy, warm reminder. "Did
they break anything?"
Vadim
shook his head. "I wasn't raped." He felt himself
choking on the next words. Couldn't say them. Couldn't.
"I
didn't ..." mean that, Dan meant to say, but never finished
the sentence. Waited instead, still, except for his fingers,
curling and uncurling on the tautness of Vadim's hips. Waiting,
for what, he wasn't sure, but for something that couldn't
but should be said.
Vadim
forced himself to breathe, keeping his eyes closed, body went
rigid without him noticing, like bracing against a kick or
punch. "
they said I'd enjoy it too much."
He tried to turn over, lie on his side, wanted to get the
words back, and couldn't. What a fucking faggot.
"Huh?"
Speechless, Dan held onto Vadim's body, kept him from rolling
away. "Fucking what?"
Vadim
was glad to be held, pressed against Dan but couldn't look
at him, wanted to die, or crawl away, hide.
You
will never recognize yourself, Vadim Petrovich. Never again.
If you walk out there to be shot like you deserve, they will
only finish you off. Because I am here to kill you. You'll
be a dead man walking. I will kill your mind, your soul, your
emotions. You will never again function. Never again will
you pass for normal or even human.
"He
said
they won't put me into prison because I'd enjoy
too much. Nobody there
touched me. Same reason.
Because
I'd like it."
"That's
the biggest fucking load of fucking bullshit I have ever heard.
Did you believe that shit?" Dan's fingers curled on Vadim's
skin until his hand formed a fist. "I don't claim I understand
much of what Maggie told me about isolation, but it's goddamned
motherfucking torture, Vadim, it's not because you
like it. Who the fuck told you that?"
Torture.
Yes. Vadim forced himself to breathe. It was hard, but he
remembered how to. "I'll
be alright. Don't worry.
I'm better than I've been in ages." Vadim forced every
muscle to relax, turned to look into Dan's face, hoped he'd
not see disgust, and what he saw looked like anger and worry.
"I can function. It's
just the shit they did
with my mind. I'm operational." And that means soldiering
and sex.
Dan shook
his head in bewilderment. He didn't understand, just that
something had happened there, which was beyond his comprehension
because it had dug so deeply into Vadim, it couldn't simply
be extracted. He was angry, wanted to slam that useless fist
into the bastards' faces, smashing the skulls of those who'd
done this
this whatever it was, to Vadim. This thing
he could not understand, far greater and worse than anything
they'd ever done to each other.
He lifted
his hand, forced the fist to relax and open, touching the
ridge of Vadim's nose. Asking without words if they'd broken
any bones. The physical realm he could understand, but the
mind?
"The
doctor says I'm in fairly good shape for a man my age."
Vadim reached up and took the hand, kissing the wrist, while
Dan felt like trying to hold onto a slippery fish. Vadim still
had not answered the question he'd asked for the second time.
Dan would
make it whole again, Vadim thought. Nothing he couldn't cope
with as long as Dan was there. Just forget it. Just try and
find his feet again, and these sudden attacks would cease.
He'd sleep like normal, would be able to do everything again.
Free. He'd made it, shown he'd made it, and had escaped. It
would all be good. Better not talk about it. The doctor could
give better explanations anyway. "I brought the phone
number. It's over there." Nodding towards the table.
"And I think I just heard our breakfast arrive outside."
"OK,"
Dan nodded, "I'll phone the doc, soon." He turned
his head towards the door, the breakfast had indeed arrived.
Still, when he watched Vadim wrap himself into the towel once
more, letting the waiter in, Dan kept thinking. He'd still
not seen the scar, not even any kind of 'close-up', as if
the other somehow avoided the scrutiny - of body and mind.
Vadim
stood there and watched the waiter set up the table outside,
gave a tip, and they were left alone again with enough food
to feed a squadron of soldiers. He glanced back at Dan lying
on the bed. Dan, who wanted to see the scar, and who was watching
him. "Just didn't want to be interrupted", he murmured,
and came back to the bed. Suddenly nervous, he took the towel
off again and sat down on the bed, while Dan moved to sit.
Vadim lay back, pulled one leg up and stretched out completely,
relaxing.
Dan suddenly
felt a strange awkwardness, as if he had to reacquaint himself
with the other's body, his physical presence. Seemed Vadim
felt similar, or perhaps even worse, in ways he could not
understand. Despite the night before, for one painful moment
Vadim felt like a stranger to him.
Eyes
on the scar, the one letter, the cut that said 'mine'. "Are
you?" Dan looked up, merely touching the scar with his
fingertips. Tracing the clear-cut lines.
Vadim
smiled at him. "Yes." Opened his legs further, knew
it was an invitation, had the feeling things would be easier
if they did. Wanted Dan to know it wasn't really all that
different now, the basics were still in place. Didn't want
to be hard to get, or hard to keep, mostly, not with Jean
and Donahue only too willing to snap him up. Dan had other
places to go. Other people. The fingertip tickled there, and
Vadim studied Dan's face, who smiled.
The smile
spread from Dan's lips to his eyes, until all darkness disappeared
from his scarred face. "I do really fucking love you,
you do understand that, don't you? With bells and whistles
and 'till death' and all that shit."
"And
I love
you." Whatever's left of me loves you.
It's all I have left, Vadim thought, but it's enough to get
me to the end. I know it will.
Dan dropped
his voice while scooting closer, almost covering Vadim's body
with his own. Lying between the open legs, his hand still
resting on the scar. "If I touch you, back in camp or
wherever the fuck else, I really don't give a shit what anyone
thinks."
"You're
just itching to get into trouble with the CO, aren't you?
You know they will talk about it."
Dan shrugged,
a feat in his position. "The CO can't do jack shit to
me. As much as the bastard dislikes me, he doesn't have a
chance in hell he'll ever get me kicked out. Anyone else?
It's not like I'm eating your face off in public. Neither
do we go on out on duty together. That'd be fucking lethal."
He lowered his head, lips touching Vadim's chest, kissing
his way slowly across and down. "No masks, comrade."
Murmured, "No lies."
Vadim
looked down, following Dan's trail of lips. Fuck. He'd forgotten
how fucking good this felt. "No
lies." Live
as a 'couple' in camp. There would still be weird comments,
that was the general tone and feel there, but apart from sneering
and the odd comment, what could happen. They'd both stood
their ground alone
would anybody dare to challenge
them once Mad Dog and
the crazy spetsnaz were 'back
together'? Vadim groaned softly. "Dan
"
Lifting
his head from Vadim's body, Dan murmured, "Aye?"
He had reached the abs, and his path downwards allowed no
hesitation.
Vadim
breathed hard, muscles tight, lines forming under Dan, his
body responding without questioning, without second thought.
"I
missed
missed this so much
"
He let his head fall back, pulled his legs up and kept them
open, in case Dan wanted to fuck him like this. He didn't
mind. Would be good. Would be so good.
"You
have no fucking idea how much I missed this, too." Dan
barely more than whispered, before concentrating once more
on his task of kissing every inch of the exposed skin. Taking
the open legs for an invitation, even though he was not sure
anymore if the old signs were still valid.
He took
his time, because they had this now, finally: the greatest
luxury of all. Time. Reaching the smooth skin, softest silk
and warmth, with recoiled strength beneath. Lips and tongue
tracing the lines he had cut, over two years ago, making Vadim
groan, cock hardening, in full view of Dan, who suddenly stopped.
Lifting his head and peering at Vadim's face from across his
body. "I've always used protection since
just
so you know. I'm still clean."
Vadim
glanced at him. Strange to say that. Clean? Oh. The AIDS thing.
That disease faggots and junkies got. Always used protection.
Donahue. Jean. And whoever else besides. Would have preferred
to not know, not be told. Never spared a thought for that.
"Doc says I'm clean, nothing
nobody
after
that."
"After
me?"
"Yes."
Dan moved
his head, hair sweeping across skin. "I never had anyone
before you." He chuckled softly, lowering his head once
more and looking, really looking at that cock before his eyes.
Appreciating the sight and inhaling the scent. "Perfectly
monogamous." Murmured, before tasting skin, hot-smooth
hardness and precum once more. After so long, Dan groaned
when the taste hit his palate and the feeling of perfect fit,
as much as absolutely knowing Vadim. What would create the
greatest lust. Which movements, touches, how his tongue slid,
his hand steadied and stroked, his teeth gently scraped, then
harder, steady, and it all came back to him, each and every
tiny detail. They were inextricably intertwined, how could
they ever have believed they could be parted. Even death was
not enough.
Vadim
moaned, louder than he used to, thoughts wiped out at that
feeling he'd remembered, but was even better now. Dan sucking
and teasing him, better if that was possible, the same relish,
the same devil may care heartfelt intensity that had never
failed to blow his mind. He didn't care who else Dan had had,
like this or any other way, because Dan wanted him back and
was willing to keep him, and fuck everything else, there was
a solution, no problem, none at all. Every motion made him
groan and hiss, eyes closed, knew the sight would drive him
insane, the sounds Dan made and the sensations.
Dan took
his time, reacquainting himself, indulging himself with taste,
touch and sound. Cocksucker, that's what he was and what he
wanted to be, but no one other than Vadim could get to all
his senses to deeply and completely.
Vadim
was panting by now, thrusting up, a sheen of sweat on his
body, which just reacted, just moved with no interference
from his brain whatsoever. Reaching blindly for Dan's shoulders,
just touching him there with his fingertips, groaning and
allowing the sensations to wash through him. He'd do anything.
Confess anything, commit any crime.
Dan finally
raised his head, lips and tongue moving up the length of Vadim's
cock, his good hand closing around the shaft, strength pitted
against lust. "I want to fuck you, Vadim." His voice
was rough with need, "is that OK?" Didn't know why
he felt he had to ask, never had before.
Vadim
opened his eyes, looked at Dan, his wet lips close to his
cock, still, that strangely serious expression in his eyes,
asking something, and Vadim felt so motherfucking grateful
it sent shivers up his spine. "Please, do."
Begging
for it, are you, Krasnorada? Like a good bitch?
Vadim
shuddered, came up, took Dan's shoulders and pulled him closer.
"Do it. Don't ... make me beg."
"Beg?"
Confusion, but then Dan forgot all about the thought, when
cock touched cock, and everything was different all of a sudden.
Not just a body, no mate nor friend, no casual encounter,
nothing and no one like this. This familiarity, this knowing.
This owning.
Bodies
touching, Dan's knees between Vadim's legs. "Shit,"
he murmured, "where is the lube?"
Vadim
gave a breathless laugh, Dan across him like this, the sight
of his cock, heavy and hard and veined, and he found it impossible
to speak. He glanced around, didn't see the lube, not right
away. "Try
nightstand", he whispered, couldn't
resist and came up to nip Dan's throat, grinning.
Dan nodded,
but the nightstand was to his left and his hand was still
in plaster. "Damn." Rolled over and off Vadim with
a grunt when he hit the fading bruises, until he could rummage
in the drawer with his right. Finding the tube of KY, kept
it between his teeth. He needed his hand to touch Vadim, run
fingers down a shoulder and back to the flank, the lube landing
beside his head. "I want to fuck you like I did in that
cave
Been dreaming about that. Remembering. Everything,
every goddamned little thing."
Vadim
nodded, rolled onto his side in front of Dan, craned his neck
to kiss him, hand touching Dan's leg, firm grip as if testing
the muscle underneath. Suddenly had the strange feeling Dan
didn't do this to any of his other lovers - not this spooning,
not fucking them slowly on their sides. Couldn't imagine either
Jean or Donahue like this, but of course he might be wrong.
"So have I
everything. You were
are worth
that
that fucking, stupid war
"
You are
worth everything, Dan thought, but couldn't say it. Felt his
throat suddenly constricted. Worth that ex-wife of yours,
worth a smashed room, worth suicide missions, worth hatred
and hell and worth all the money and more. Said none of it,
instead moved even closer, handed the tube to Vadim, his own
palm open. "Help me?"
Vadim
nodded, flicked the cap open and squeezed a good amount of
that stuff into Dan's palm, then put the lube down near the
pillow, and lifted his leg, which exposed the scar there.
He swallowed, curved his back to give Dan a better angle,
just falling back into it, wanting Dan and what he'd do. "Good
good I found you in the desert", he murmured to
cover the moment of nervousness. Been a while. Fuck.
"Aye
.. . damn good thing." Dan rubbed the cool gel all over
his cock, before swiftly but thoroughly working it between
Vadim's cheeks, stalling a moment to relish the sensation
of his finger sliding unhindered through the readily yielding
muscle, making Vadim push back against his hand.
"There
was a time
" Dan murmured close to Vadim's ear
while his good hand worked him open. Insistent, gently, yet
unrelenting, and Vadim's breath went harder, lips open, trying
to speed things up and be ready.
"A
time when I couldn't
even
wank
"
Drawing in a deep breath, Dan found it hard to hold himself
back like this. "Too painful, then
but not now
." One finger was met by a second, the third almost
there as well.
Vadim
nodded, sex had become impossible, some point he didn't even
feel any arousal, or anything but dread, and the wanking in
camp had been nothing but some kind of waste disposal, a vaguely
embarrassing function of his body, nothing more. "Not
a virgin. Just
do it, like you
ah, did."
He glanced over his shoulder, leaned back to rub his head
against Dan's for a moment. "Come on."
Dan shook
his head, though, and smiled. Tender, despite his flushed
face and almost feverishly gleaming eyes. "It's been
so long." Murmured, while his fingers pulled out, before
pushing back, three this time, making Vadim groan and buck
back, unable to control the building lust that washed away
what disgust he'd felt at the thought. Disgrace, shame, filth.
None of that, now. Not now, not right now.
"No
one else, like this. No one else
" Dan did not
finish the sentence, kissing the back of Vadim's neck instead.
He'd
been right. Not Dona
Matt, not Jean. Vadim shook his
head, banished the thought, wanted more of that, deeper, harder,
wanted to feel thrusts and Dan's length sliding inside and
out and accept him as deep as he could, with as much force
as he could. Dan's fingers stretching him and teasing, slicking
him up, a slight burn, but no discomfort. Last man touching
him had been the doc, and he didn't count. Just clinical.
"Same
here. I'm
clean." Healthy. Functional.
"I
didn't mean that." Dan's voice barely a murmur, as his
lips curved into a smile in the back of Vadim's neck. Fingers
at last replaced with the tip of his cock. He didn't know
where in heaven and hell he took this restraint from, just
that it was of utmost importance he didn't rush anything.
Had to draw out, relish and engrave in his mind forever each
and every endless second. "I meant
not like this."
And he pushed forward, stretching, demanding, moving until
he felt yielding and acceptance - agonisingly slow.
Vadim's
lips opened wider, a choked sound came out, feeling this,
so damned good, just so good, his body responding on its own
with his mind still outside like a guest that was not allowed
in. Lost the thread of conversation, just felt the slick heat
and the stretching and Dan moving inside him, hand reaching
behind him, trying to pull Dan closer and deeper, but most
of all touch and feel him. Dan. Dan like in the cave, Dan
like in those days when there had been nothing to fear and
nothing to regret. Dan was everything that mattered. Struggled
hard to think, but couldn't, just felt the warmth and the
skin and Dan's strength and control. "I'll
beg
before
this
is over", he murmured,
"but
I don't care
"
"You'll
never need to beg with me. Never." Dan found it hard
to talk, consumed by the sensations. All feeling concentrated
in his cock, flaring from the centre throughout his body and
mind. Synapses firing lust across his brain until he was hardly
able to think at all. Nothing but Vadim's body, Vadim's heat,
Vadim's scent. Eleven years reduced to a blur of memories
and emotions. Nothing else mattered but the here and now.
"Whatever you want
" words tumbling, while
his body took over. The good hand roaming across muscles and
skin, until they found Vadim's cock, curling around it. Could
feel every vein beneath his calloused palm. "Whatever
wherever ... I'd do it for you
no begging
ever
" His body was rocking into the other's. Smoothly
and steadily, their bodies combined, and his stroking in sync
with the same perfection.
No begging.
He didn't need to beg. No humiliation, no submission, no shame,
no disgrace, not even when Vadim could think clearly again,
not in his memory, not when they'd both be mercenaries again.
Vadim closed his eyes, one hand rested on Dan's wrist, moved
with it as Dan brought him further, stroked him, no begging,
just equals as they'd always been, sometimes at each other's
mercy, but never less than themselves. "I
know",
Vadim breathed, flexing again as the lust built up further,
but he took over Dan's rhythm, trusting him so completely
that he wouldn't beg, knowing Dan didn't want that and would
just listen to it anyway. Knowing he didn't truly beg,
not on his knees, not for his life, not for his pride, but
whatever he'd say would only truly be 'I love you more than
I can say, than I can even think and what you give me takes
my breath away, but breathing is overrated when I can kiss
you', and he suddenly smiled, while he could hear his own
groans, sensuous, and, he thought, damned sexy, as they had
to be. Dan sexy as he was, doing sexy things, himself, in
prime shape, and they were a feast for the gods, and no shame
whatsoever. "I love you", Vadim muttered, barely
coherent.
Dan was
smiling, at nothing and no one and both of them. At words
and feelings, and the sheer utter perfection of everything.
Shifting his body, the angle of his hips changed, and his
entrance became deeper while the speed increased slightly.
Still as intense, and just as perfect. "Never
stopped
" loving you, wanting you, even when I
was about to kill you and hated your guts, your very sight.
Picking up speed and strength once more, his thrusts still
as smooth and controlled, but deeper and harder. "And
always will." Breathlessly murmured, Dan's eyes closed,
starting to fuck in earnest, with all his strength, yet the
strength remained controlled by their position and by everything
he felt. No wild, insane coupling of greed like the night
before, but years worth of emotions expressed in lust, moving
further towards orgasm.
Vadim
wanted nothing more than change position, himself pressed
into the mattress, or on his hands and knees, this slow, drawn-out
love making wrecking him from the inside and outside, stripping
everything away. His pretences, the bitterness, the darkness,
and for a while even the interrogator's voice. Just emotion
and feeling, and he glanced over his shoulder, too close to
see anything, but felt Dan's hot breath against his ear and
neck, and every thrust that went right through him, up to
his chest and his throat while tension built up. At least
that was something that still worked, and something he remembered
and that had been nothing but good, and Dan finally there
where he wanted him, where he remembered him, and where he
fucking needed him. Relief so powerful it hurt as his body
tensed, close to orgasm, but never able to get there on its
own, always needed Dan's help to get him there, his groans
sounding desperate now.
Close,
so damn close, Dan could feel nothing but the pressure building,
almost unbearable in his cock and balls. He shifted once more,
angle steeper, and he sped up, increasing strength. His hand
remained in the same rhythm, same sync with is body's thrusts.
"Aye
" whispered, without thinking nor seeing,
"I'll take care of you." His hand gripping tighter,
harsher, his strokes as demanding as his thrust, now.
Care.
Overwhelming gratitude as Dan took him over the edge, and
Vadim's fingers dug into Dan's hip as he felt himself fall,
pressing back, tensing as he just let go, coming with breathless
groans, into and against Dan's hand, against his body. Absurdly
surprised at the depth of emotion, the intensity, the clarity
as if the darkness didn't exist, as if everything was still
clear and simple, and for a long moment it was, just him and
Dan.
Dan followed
almost immediately, his whole being had just waited for that
moment when he could finally let go. Felt his cock clench,
deeply embedded in the powerful body that was all his, and
his alone. That very moment, there was no past - no future,
just present. He felt himself drained of more than just total
ecstasy, his entire being crushed and elevated at the same
time. Felt emptied of every memory and emotion, like an infected
wound: drained of everything that had turned bad. Finding
himself with eyes scrunched shut and his arm wrapped and holding
tightly onto Vadim. Emptied so much, there was nothing left
but a shell, like it had been before, the day of Vadim's execution.
But this time it was not pain that filled the empty shell,
but feelings, flooding back, bringing knowledge and realisation.
Here, and now, and his once more. Vadim. Forever and
always. Vadim. His.
And Dan
cried, helplessly, while his good hand clawed at the other's
body, his body pressed so close, as if he was trying to crawl
inside.
Feeling
Dan shudder and the tension that didn't leave him, Vadim glanced
over his shoulder, feeling and hearing the odd pattern of
breathing, and what seemed like despair to him, the sounds
wretched. Suddenly realized just how much he'd fucked up Dan,
and felt a wave of tenderness come up that took his breath.
Moving, separating only to turn around and grab hold of the
man, feeling him tight and close and helplessly crying. Small
sounds for such a powerful man, and Vadim swallowed hard,
pressing the other man to him, knowing nothing really could
stop that and all he could and wanted to do was hold Dan through
this, help him deal with the pain. Fingers running over his
skin, feeling tears himself, an echo and a shadow of Dan's.
Feeling so fucking sorry for having got Dan this far and breaking
him up so badly. "Shit, I'm sorry. I'm so very
very sorry", he murmured into Dan's ear.
Dan shook
his head, repeatedly, trying to say 'no, not your damn fault',
but he couldn't get a sound out, let alone a coherent word.
Couldn't stop those motherfucking tears either, completely
helpless and resigned to whatever they were doing to him.
'They': tears, emotions, and two and a half years of shit,
but he had no idea why he just couldn't stop. Just couldn't.
No chance, and when he finally gave in, the tension flew out
as his body capitulated to tears and old, so very old pain.
Sobbing like a broken child, while memories were fading. Death,
fear, blackmail, hopelessness and hope. They became nothing
but past.
Vadim's
tears were silent, just running from his eyes into Dan's wild
hair. Hardly painful, they came, and went, bringing an odd
sense of relief and cleansing, but most of all regret as he
held Dan, stroking his back and shoulders, thought they'd
rushed it, should have been more careful, and at the same
time felt like things could be good again. Not just sex, not
just friends, but something similar to what they had been,
plus comrades. Finally on the same side, their own side, with
nothing else to fall back onto.
It took
a long time before Dan calmed, and he never realised he had
fallen asleep in the other's arms. Utterly exhausted. Vadim
rolled onto his back, shifted Dan to lie on his shoulder,
could still feel him inside and listened to the rustle of
palm leaves, eyes half closed. It could be good again. All
they had to do was stick together, whatever came - Jean, Yank,
whatever. They were far away, and they weren't important,
not when Dan had cried like that, and Vadim felt embarrassed
and proud and full of regret - too many shifting emotions
to examine that feeling.
You
will see that some people might react strange to things you
do or say, Mr Krasnorada. Guilt will only deepen that gap.
They are entitled to their responses, some of which might
seem strange to you. It won't be your fault. Don't take them
personally - trauma quite significantly shifts our perception
of self.
Dr Williams.
"I'll
try", he murmured, looked to the side at Dan's eyebrows,
smooth forehead, looking relaxed and peaceful, and looked
down to Dan's scarred hand, partially in plaster. It would
be good. It would be a battle fighting it out, but they'd
win this. They'd leave the past behind and use what they'd
left. All of it.
*
* * * * * *
When
Dan woke about an hour later he stretched his muscles and
moved his arms and legs long before his mind was engaging.
Pure luxury of not having to be awake from one second to the
next. Even though he was still half asleep, his mind knew
that no danger was near, and his body revelled in slowly returning
to the surface. He felt warmth - human warmth. Skin, and arms,
a body that was hard and smooth and simply perfect. Held,
resting, and lips close to skin, as he breathed in the other's
scent. Dan's lips curved into a smile while his eyes were
still closed. Moving his head a fraction, his wild hair brushed
across Vadim's chest. "Mmmm
" Dan almost purred,
completely at peace and more relaxed than he could remember.
Except for his eyes, they felt somewhat swollen, but it was
of no importance. What had been, had been, and he felt no
shame for the display of emotions. He had merely functioned,
and functioned well, until now, and from now on he could live
again.
"Any
chance for breakfast? Am famished."
Vadim
twisted a bit, rolling onto his side to kiss Dan's forehead
- that was the only bit of his face that he could reach without
moving too much. "The food is still there", he murmured
and smiled, running a lazy hand through Dan's hair. Soft.
The length made that hair too soft to keep his hands away.
"I might dredge up enough strength to
get up and
feed you", he murmured. "Depends on the incentive."
Laughing,
Dan rolled over onto his back, able to twist his head up,peering
at the other. "And that would be? Let me think
sex?"
Vadim
grinned. "Not just yet, but
yes." Predictably
starved after steaming alone in his tin hut. Remembered Dan's
skills too well, going savage or skilled or teasing, slow,
harsh, enthusiastic.
Dan rubbed
his eyes, still swollen. "The coffee's cold, though,
aye?" Adding, while pulling himself upwards to half-sit.
"I have no idea when I conked out nor for how long."
It didn't matter, and he shrugged while searching one-handed
for his packet of fags.
Vadim
reached and found Dan's shorts, pulling them closer so Dan
could get to them. "We have time. I think
a bit
more than an hour." He rubbed his face and yawned, stretching.
"Plenty of time, though. My next treatment is at twelve,
that gives me time for breakfast."
"Treatment?"
Finding his fags, Dan fished one out and lit it, all one handed
before picking the shorts up with his toes and with a deft
flick catching his foot in it. He grinned while inhaling the
nicotine deeply. "What's that for?" Smoke curling
out of his nostrils and mouth.
"Yes.
Massage, exfoliation, and epilation
" Vadim smiled.
"Mostly treating the scars, though, and the girl yesterday
said that some parts of my spine are locked and that I should
go for the full treatment and bring time." He shrugged.
"Guess they know their thing better than I do."
"Scars?
Sounds good, you think I should do the same?" Dan looked
up while the shorts kept slowly sliding down his lifted leg.
"Absolutely.
If nothing else, it feels really good."
"OK,
book me in for the whole hog as well. Oh, and are we ordering
more tea and coffee?"
"Just
a moment. " Vadim nodded, rolled over again to reach
for the phone, ordering another set of tea and coffee to their
bungalow. Turning back towards Dan. "Should be here in
five. I better get dressed - at least shorts."
"Damn
right, that's what they were for." Grinning, Dan kept
the burning cigarette between his lips while reaching for
the shorts. Struggling one handed, he ended up laughing, while
lying on his back like a stranded beetle, the twisted shorts
somewhere halfway down his legs.
Vadim
grinned and bent down to take hold of the shorts and pull
them up. "Lift yer arse, soldier boy", he mimicked
one of the PT instructors, and pulled them up for Dan. Even
zipped him up and closed the button, leaning down to kiss
the mess of scars peeking out over the cloth. "Can't
wait to peel you out of those again", he said lowly and
flashed another grin, getting one in return. Then found his
own shorts and slipped them on as well, managing to be partially
dressed at least and not entangled with Dan when the Thai
waiter appeared and served the tea and coffee pots. The young
man didn't move a muscle in his pretty face, even though the
situation was absurdly clear, and Vadim marvelled at the way
everything seemed normal here.
"Well,"
Dan remarked when the guy was gone, "they are rather
stoic, aye?" Remembering the 'ladyboy' bar, and the fact
he'd been told there was nothing one couldn't get for money
in this country. Even things that made his stomach turn. "Stoic,
or polite, or plain and simply incredibly tolerant."
Vadim
shrugged. "I like them for that. Seems to create less
trouble."
Dan reached
for his clothed crotch, scratching vigorously, before he swung
his long legs over the edge of the bed. "You do realise
we haven't even showered yet, aye? Feel a bit of a sticky
mess and bet you're not any better, but food first
"
a thought suddenly occurred to him as he stood. His eyes lighting
up. "A bath! We've never had a bath together and I've
got addicted to bubble baths. Back in the embassy."
Vadim
gave a laugh. "Sounds good. Jacuzzi? There was the hamam
in Kabul, but that was different." He watched as Dan
padded over to the trolley that held the breakfast and now
the fresh tea and coffee, pulling it towards the bed.
"Breakfast
in bed, Monsieur?" Moving into an exaggeratedly deep
bow, Dan lifted the first of the covers off the food. "Would
you like me to feed you, Monsieur?" He grinned before
letting himself fall back onto the bed.
Vadim
smiled and reached out to touch Dan's side again, feeling
mellow and tender and like he couldn't touch and hold him
enough. "Yes, why not? If you want to?"
"Only
if you do the pouring of tea and coffee. I don't trust my
hand right now, too much sex, you know." Dan waggled
his brows, grinning.
Vadim
smiled. "Then let that hand recover some." He leaned
in to kiss, a short, gentle touch, then began to sort the
cups and prepare tea and coffee. Black coffee with sugar for
Dan, more sugar than seemed right, while he stuck to black
coffee. Too many tea jokes, too much history. He offered Dan
the cup, and sat down on the bed, pulling one leg up.
Sipping
the hot coffee, Dan let the over-sweetened concoction roll
slowly over his tongue, savouring every mouthful. "Since
when do you prefer coffee?" Pointing at Vadim's cup before
putting his own down, picking out bits of different breads,
toppings and fruit to place on a plate.
Vadim
glanced up. "Too Russian; I'm trying to break the habit."
Carefully dropping the definite article into the sentence.
Just keeping away from anything that reminded him of the state
that had fucked him up, and its people, that had allowed it
to happen.
"Hm?"
Dan looked up from what he was doing, studying Vadim for a
moment. He had to learn to decipher the other anew. Signs
and signifiers, unknown and waiting for him to make sense
of. "You could drink your tea with milk," smiling,
"that's a very British way to take tea. Or you could
have Earl Grey. You can't get anymore English than that."
Moving the plate onto the bed and scooting closer to Vadim.
Vadim
shook his head. "Not sure I'm ready for that habit."
British passport, and as British as blinis, and vodka, and
Siberia. Not very. The only place where he fit in was gone,
and the place that saw some worth in him was so very alien
to him, and he shared that sentiment. "Coffee is fine.
Smells much better than it tastes, but the smell is very good."
"Well,
in that case, I let you test out if the food smells better
than it tastes. And, of course, if you can figure out what
it is." Dan grinned, gently poking Vadim's chest with
a finger. "Close your eyes and open your mouth."
Vadim
smiled. "Don't make me guess." Felt oddly embarrassed
about it, and relished the weird tenderness - a strange and
new situation. He opened his lips to invite the bite of food.
Dan chose
some lightly toasted white bread with butter, a smidgen of
cream cheese and freshly smoked fish on top, holding it to
Vadim's lips. "It's pretty straightforward." He
grinned, couldn't help but laugh. "Nothing 'straight'
here, eh?" Murmured, while preparing a bite for himself.
"Hmmmm
no. Try as I might, I can't come up with anything straight,
not after
" you fucked me like that. He let the
words trail off, thought Dan probably could hear the complete
sentence. The bite was moved between his lips, as if to tease,
bread and faintly salty slick fish, something like cream came
out at the sides as he closed his mouth.
"And?
Don't tell me you don't know what that is."
"A
second."
Dan was
chewing, too, while watching the other's face. Every movement
of those jaws, the dark blond lashes fanning over high, Slavic
cheekbones. The closed eyelids, fluttering, as if Vadim was
forcing himself to keep them closed. Watching the throat as
it swallowed, the strong tendons and muscles, and the scar
his scar, right there in the hollow. All Dan
wanted was to forget about the food despite his stomach's
rumbling, and to dive into Vadim instead. "You're so
fucking sexy." Reverent, his voice was barely more than
a rumble.
Vadim's
eyes opened, licking his lips to make sure he had the whole
thing. "Well, tastes a bit like you. A bit salty, and
like more. A lot like more." He ran his finger across
Dan's lips, pretending he was wiping crumbs off, but of course
he wasn't, merely wanting to touch, so he knew that he was
allowed to touch again, that it was his right again, that
he had been accepted again and would be, in future. In camp.
He wouldn't lie there with his heart and mind torn open, knowing
Dan was with somebody else
or even preferred being
alone to being with him.
"There's
a lot more where that came from." Dan smiled against
the finger on his lips. "Both food and me." Catching
the tip of the finger to suck it into his mouth. His dark
eye alight and smiling all the time.
Vadim
stared at Dan's lips and his finger, and suction, heat and
wetness made his guts tighten in a good way. Just barely breathing.
Dan playful. Dan sexy. Dan teasing. Mad Dog Dan. "I
we
breakfast?" Knew he made no sense, but didn't
care.
"Aye
" Dan reluctantly let go of the finger. His voice
husky, it seemed that anything took his mind from no-matter-what
right to sex. Or had it ever been any different? With Vadim?
"Considering I'm forty-two and not a spring chicken with
endless orgasms anymore
," he swallowed, his body
trying to contradict his own words, "and fucking hungry
I guess ... breakfast
." But he made no
attempt to actually get to the food, despite the loud rumbling
of his stomach.
Vadim
gave a laugh. "Chicken no, cock yes." Loved the
ambiguity of the word, while Dan chuckled at the pun and Vadim
wondered who had ever decided to call the male part the same
as a male chicken, but would ask about that later. He reached
up to bring a tray of food closer, not too bothered to place
it on the plates first, instead took it with his fingers and
offered Dan some rolled-up cold cuts, and pieces of fish,
and fruit, all in a mix that he thought worked well in succession
while he got fed by Dan in return. "You're different
from Kabul, too, you know that?"
"Hm?"
Chewing, Dan tilted his head, looking up in surprise. "What
do you mean? I thought I was back to what I was like those
months before ... ah
." Trailing off, "you
know." Deciding to quickly go for another mouthful of
food instead of talking. The balance act on rope or thin ice
was not over yet.
"Hard
to put into words
seems you've grown into the boots
you were wearing then. No doubts. You're not much of a doubter
anyway, but now you look like you never were. All balls."
Swallowing
his latest mouthful, Dan looked nothing short of utterly confused.
"I don't get what you mean." Then shrugged, "I
just got older." Offering a smile.
"We
both did." But it looks good on you. You wear it with
a cool and confidence that makes my heart thump in my throat.
How can I not want you like that? How could I not feel anything?
Dan just
smiled brighter, offering another mouthful of food to Vadim's
lips. "I reckon we have a fair few more years in front
of us and that after all this shit we deserve each of them."
Leaning down to take some more fish and fruit from the other's
hand, "unless one of us, or both, get KIA, we'll just
keep on living. Together. But I don't think we will. Got it
in me waters, you know." Tapping the side of his nose.
Vadim
took the bite, chewing, and pushing away the thought of death.
Working on different teams was really the only thing they
could do to keep the job running, because he knew with absolute
certainty that Dan would always choose him, no question, and
the CO knew that too, and thus kept them both from making
that decision, ever. And this meant it would be one of them
that got KIA, and the other would go on. They'd managed once
before - if it ever happened, it couldn't be worse than the
last two years. "We are too good to let that happen.
And, all told, we are fairly lucky, too."
"Aye,
damn lucky in a sea of shit." Dan laughed, washing the
food down with the rest of his coffee, before he turned more
serious. "No, you are right, we have been damn lucky,
all considered. It's a miracle we are both alive and that's
worth for something, isn't it?" Picking up a piece of
honey smoked fish, he looked at it for a while, pondering,
before he grinned. "By all what's right I really shouldn't
be alive anymore. Just look at this ragtag bag of scars."
Stuffing the fish between his lips, he lifted both his arms
as if he crucified, offering himself for inspection.
"Yes,
you attract pain", murmured Vadim and bent down to kiss
Dan's abs, back up to his pecs, to his shoulder, the scar.
"Pain, and more pain
" He wanted to kneel
and give Dan a blowjob, just compare tastes and sensations.
"No
you're not pain." Not anymore, "and it seems
" Dan's breath hitched, "that you're pretty
much attracted to me."
"Can't
think anything else, sorry." Vadim looked up and
smiled. "Do you
want me to
"
You
were nothing but his bitch, and you made yourself that willingly.
"
give head?" Seemed the best term to what it was, less
crude, maybe. Vadim didn't know why it jarred him, only of
course it was on his knees and part of him wanted to be there,
and another part shied away.
"Hm?"
Again, that confusion, as Dan felt a strange twitch inside.
"Why do you ask?" Since when, and how, and why,
and
the thin ice felt like breaking underneath.
"Don't
want to distract you from breakfast, but it's
difficult."
Difficult to not end up in bed all the time, pretending things
were normal and they'd do things slower, not rushing, but
Vadim was head over heels and wanted to touch and keep and
confirm, over and over, that the old vows and promises were
valid again. Still held true.
"Oh
" Dan started to smile, felt himself slipping across
the ice instead of breaking through. "I just wondered,
because you asked, and you didn't use to."
No, I
sometimes did when the mood struck me, or when there was a
knife, or pressure, or hands around my throat. Vadim watched
Dan lean towards the plates, hastily stuffing himself with
a few mouthfuls, chewing while grinning.
"You
can do with me whatever you like." Swallowing quickly
before managing to pour himself another cup of coffee without
spilling too much and ladling the sugar in, as Vadim went
down onto his knees between Dan's legs. "Don't ask, just
do, and if I don't like it," Dan grinned, then washed
down the food with the whole cup, quipping his lips, "I'll
just punch you." He laughed and winked, "gently,
that is."
"I
wonder how much is gentle
" retorted Vadim, and
then thought he did wonder how much was gentle these
days. They'd gone from brutal to savage to passionate, and
he wasn't quite sure where they'd end up. "
or
how gentle I want you to be." Slipped out, not
on purpose, surely not, not with the trauma and the doctor
telling him to be extra special careful in his interactions
with people, even those he knew, as he could take nothing
for granted.
"Don't
give me ideas." Dan grinned, reaching to place his hand
on Vadim's shoulder. Just resting and feeling the heat of
the skin beneath his palm. "Or, at least, give me some
time to reacquaint myself with you, the 'vanilla' way. Then
we'll see from there." He chuckled while leaning forward,
resting his lips on the top of the other's head.
"Vanilla?"
Vadim's hands rested on Dan's thighs, and he opened them.
Running his hands towards Dan's knees, knew the scar and its
place, remembered it from long ago. A different man, a different
Dan.
"It's
something I heard the guys talk about." Dan lifted his
head, watching the progress of the other's hands. Whenever
he was touched like this, no matter by whom, he wondered every
time what the hell anyone saw in him: a worn-out battle-scarred
old war horse with no other talents than waging war. "They
were boasting about their birds, back home, and how some of
them took it up the arse and wanted it rough, while others
were into cuddling and missionary-style sex, and the guys
called that vanilla."
Cuddling
and missionary style. Vanilla. Okay. Strange. Vadim suddenly
smiled. "But I take it up the arse. So vanilla between
men is different?"
Dan snorted,
throwing his head back, hair whipping around his face as he
laughed with abandon. "Guess us blokes haven't got much
option, aye?" Vadim shook his head, but he was grinning.
Dan's laughter finally quietened down to a chuckle. "Now,
what about a bath and, or, your proposition?"
"A
bath is always good ..." And you. The way your skin tastes
when it's wet. "And, not or."
"That's
alright, then, because I guess we both could do with a bath,
even though I'd lick every crevice of yours, would bite every
inch of skin, and suck every part of your body - washed or
not."
Vadim
shook his head. "Bath. I prefer you clean. Had too much
Afghan dust between my teeth to be into not-clean."
Dan nodded,
holding his hand out to Vadim to pull him up, despite the
prospect of a blow-job. "Let's get the bubbles started,
and I'll let you play 'u-boat and torpedo missiles'."
Grinning like a kid, his dark eyes flashing with delight and
his whole face relaxed. They had time, for the first time
ever. Truly time. They'd deal with the past later.
*
* * * * * *
In the
bathroom, which was as big and as airy as the whole bungalow,
Dan sat down on a cushioned stool, eyes fixed on Vadim. "Guess
it's your task to run the bath water." He grinned broadly,
while waving his plastered hand around. "Big bubbles,
if you would."
Vadim
sat down near the tub and stretched to reach the levers, sealing
the tub with a twist of that, and starting the water with
a twist of the other. Running the water over his hand, choosing
a good temperature, then reached into a little woven basket
at the side to add bath oil - it said something about Tahitian
monoi oil on the little bottle - and turned to face Dan. Looking
at him in wonder, and a relaxed happiness that felt alien
but too damn good to disturb.
"What,
why are you staring at me?" Eyes sparkling with mirth,
Dan pointed impatiently at the bottle Vadim was holding. "You
think bubble baths aren't manly?"
Vadim
pulled off the cap, and peeled off the foil seal. "You
could wear a dress and like chocolate and you'd still be manly."
He glanced up, keeping his face impassive.
"I
do like chocolate, as you damn well know, Mr Peanut
Butter Energy bar, and I am Scottish, and thus prone
to one day proudly wear my national attire: the kilt."
Dan tried to look stern and menacing, but could not hide the
grin all too well. "And if you ever call a kilt a 'skirt'
or a 'dress', I am going to fucking strangle you."
Vadim
poured the oil into the bath, watching it form a glistening
film on the rapidly rising water. A nice, clean scent rose
with the steam. "If you do it tenderly
" A
quick glance to Dan.
"Hmm
that means not the way you used to do it to me, aye?"
The memory brought heat to his face, and Dan's lips parted
for a moment, transfixed on the way muscles shifted over tendons
and bones in Vadim's body. His breath hitched. "But is
there
any other way to strangle?"
Shit.
The teasing - flirting, Vadim heard Jean say - went right
inside his body again. Vanilla. He had the vague idea that
strangling wasn't vanilla. He took pains to put the cap back
on, fitting the little bottle back into the woven basket.
"Well, dropping the garrotte and using
hands would
be ah ... a start."
"Does
a neck cloth count as a garrotte, though?" Dan's head
tilted, leaning closer. "You used to use one."
"I
did." Breathing grew a little harder. "I
liked", breath, "that power." The power to
let you breathe or gasp for air. The power to kill you. Or
let you live. The feeling of controlling your body. And at
the same time, that cloth was part of the uniform, had been
used to stem blood flow, or support a fucked arm around the
neck, or any of the one hundred uses that a piece of cloth
could have during a war. Strangle his lover.
Dan's
breath caught once more in his throat. "And I
goddammit, I liked it." Felt as if his voice had suddenly
turned rusty for no reason. "Was the only way I could
let you. You know." Didn't know why words got stuck,
nor where hesitation came from. Had to physically jerk himself
upright, to finish. "Only way I could let you fuck me."
Past, or still present? He wasn't so sure anymore.
The
only way I could let you fuck me. Vadim nodded, inhaling
deeply, felt regret at that, the thing he'd done that made
Dan resist him at every turn, certainly his body, a deep terror
he had started himself, and that would always linger like
a nightmare, like the taste of rotting meat. Vanya had paid
with his life, and he, too, in a way, if less literally. He
stared into the water, and thought again of Dr Williams who'd
warned him to be careful, question every reaction that was
too dark, too violent, too bitter. Might all be perfectly
harmless. Still, it remained rape, a crime, and what the fuck
had made him do that? What was that thing nesting inside his
heart and that made him force and violate and fucking revel
in it?
My
best guess is, Vadim Petrovich, that you are punishing yourself
for your debased urges.
Konstantinov.
"Vadim?"
Dan leaned forward once more, reaching out to touch the other's
thigh, whose reaction once more felt alien. "It's okay,
Russkie. It's a long time ago, doesn't matter anymore."
When Vadim looked up, Dan smiled, did his best to, at least.
Steered his own thoughts away from lust; the deep, dark coiling
lust that was fed by blood, pain and aggression. "It's
okay."
Russkie.
All wrong, for a moment, and then Vadim felt the touch and
thought of the roof in the merc camp and what that touch meant.
Covered Dan's hand with his and pressed it, glad for the touch.
"Do you
ever feel like punishing me for that?"
Because if Dan didn't, why should he? Or what else had he
done that deserved punishment? Or had Konstantinov created
that doubt?
"Don't
you think I have already done that? Eleven years ago."
Dan kept his hand in Vadim's and stood up. Reaching to trace
with the fingers of his left hand across the scarred back.
He lowered his head until he was eye to eye. "You bear
the scars of my revenge." His voice had softened, "and
I wear mine. We're quits. It's done and over, a long time
ago."
Vadim
leaned forward, cheek against Dan's scarred stomach, just
touching it with half his lips, half his mouth, while Dan
continued to caress the broad back. The warmth of Dan's body,
the trail of dark hair - what was left after the scarring.
"I sometimes don't trust my mind." That was it in
a nutshell. "I'm thinking, and then I'm thinking that's
wrong. And then I think that's wrong." Vadim inhaled.
"He screwed me up", he murmured.
Dan froze
for a heartbeat, before the slow meandering of his fingertips
continued. "Who is 'he'?"
The other
man who tortured me, thought Vadim, and dug his forehead deeper
into Dan's body. He remembered kneeling at the man's feet,
remembered being patted like a dog. He jerked up, needed to
see, see it was Dan, and hated himself for that same instinct.
"Not
a lover." He tried a smile but nearly
lost it, his face twitching. "The man who
made
me sign the confession. He screwed me up. Like he said he
would. He said so from the start." He wanted to stop
the words and wasn't sure he could.
"KGB?"
Dan moistened his suddenly dry lips. The running water forgotten,
the bathroom was filling with steam. The heat oddly soothing.
Dan lowered down, despite stiffness and lingering bruises.
Getting onto his knees to be close. Figured, instinctively,
that nothing else would do.
With
an effort, Vadim met Dan's gaze, felt tense and scared and
knew at the same time he was perfectly safe. Knew he was going
through something, but this time, Dan was right there with
him. He just didn't know whether that made it easier or not,
dealing with it. The dread, yes, the shame, no.
"That
man, who made you sign the confession. Who
" broke
you, "said he would. That was that man's job, aye?"
"Yes.
Konstantinov. That's his name. What the judge called him."
Speaking the name felt surreal. He hadn't even told Dr Williams
the man's name.
"He
was a professional, then." Dan's voice lowered even more.
The rare, rumbling depths, reserved only for a few occasions.
"A professional, like us, just that he wasn't trained
to destroy bodies. Was trained to destroy minds." Tilting
his head to look at Vadim.
"I
know, but
" My brain knows, but nothing else does.
"Shit,
Vadim, if such a man was out to destroy you, goddammit, he
had to succeed. With anyone. It's a testament to your
strength that you signed so late." The hand in Vadim's
back had stilled, but contact remained. "But that doesn't
make any of it any better, aye?"
"No.
He knew me. He knew what I was thinking, feeling, have
ever felt. Digging around in my past, my crimes, my weaknesses,
the people I was ever close to."
"But
did he also dig around in the good things? The love, the caring,
the fact you would have torn yourself apart for your family
- and that you almost did?"
Vadim
gave a wry smile. "He was less interested in that
he made it all sound like it didn't matter." Insinuated
I'd raped my own son. Sasha's son. Our. Whatever. Nikolai.
How was he? Better now? Katya would protect her kids with
her life. "Sometimes it just feels like he peeled the
flesh from my bones. He skinned my soul. And I don't even
believe in a soul."
"Nor
did I." Dan murmured, "until I met you." Studying
the other with dark eyes, "don't you want to seek help
to sort things out?"
Vadim
shook his head. "Dr Williams put me back together. He
said it might decrease in intensity, but most only learn how
to live with it. He said I'm coping well, all told."
Dan nodded
slowly. Had to take Vadim's words for what they were, but
a slither of doubt lodged itself even firmer in his mind.
"I wish I could understand all this. I did read those
articles on trauma that Maggie gave me, but I don't think
I understood the stuff. I'm
I'm not a brainy man, but
shit, I'm here. Whatever happens. I gave you my word by accepting
the bullet, and I'm not going to break it. Ever."
Vadim
pulled Dan into a tight, powerful bear hug, hearing the water
gargle into the sieve that prevented spill-over. "You
wouldn't. Just
don't pity me, okay?" He felt ridiculous
asking that, and even worse for how it sounded in his throat.
"Act like I was alright."
"I
should punch you for asking that." Dan murmured, "or
did I ever ask you not to fucking pity me for that rag tag
body of mine?" Casting a glance at the dangerously high
water level, he couldn't get himself to give a damn. "Mmmm
," his low voice rumbled, "seemed we are making
a perfect pair. My body's fucked and your mind's knackered.
Together we should be unbeatable."
Vadim
breathed laughter, and was so grateful for Dan just taking
it in stride, like he'd taken everything in stride. Courageous
Dan. Mad Dog Dan. Dan McFadyen, SAS, merc, survivor. He felt
oddly proud for having Dan, and proud of Dan, and thought,
yes, they could tackle that shit together. Not the worst they'd
gone through. He slowly relaxed, willed himself to relax;
it was less difficult now. "Let's keep the thought with
the strangling, but
not just yet."
"Aye,"
Dan grinned, his normal self returning: irreverent and easy-going.
"I'll keep the thought, beside all the others. I have
a whole damn bucketful of thoughts." Glancing once more
to the side, he heaved a deep sigh before straightening up.
"And if we don't do anything about it, we'll be drowning
soon."
Vadim
grinned. "I can swim. To Olympic standard. Maybe not
to compete, but this small thing will not drown me."
He reached over to pull the lever that stopped the water,
feeling strangely better, like he'd bandaged a wound. It hurt
like fuck and was still bleeding, but there was always something
reassuring about being patched up.
*
* * * * * *
After
a long bath in the overflowing tub, talking about nothing
darker than SAS Selection and their respective youths in their
home towns. Vadim rubbed Dan dry once more, who was chuckling
at the care and relishing the touch. They had just about time
for lunch and Dan opted for a snack at the buffet, keen to
call Dr Williams, while Vadim booked him into the same beauty
treatment. A treatment Dan had no idea about, except that
it was about dealing with scars.
When
Dan returned, after a phone call that had lasted three quarters
of an hour, he was quieter than usual, and somewhat absentminded.
Smiling at Vadim, he shrugged when asked how it had gone,
needing time to digest the information. He wasn't stupid,
not even slow, but by no means an intellectual. Dan's intelligence
was practical, coupled with sheer bravado to survive - and
an astonishing depth of emotion. And he wasn't going to forget
a single thing he'd been told.
*
* * * * * *
In shaded
huts right at the beach, a tiny woman handled Vadim's body
with a mix of skill and effectiveness that awed him, and he
relaxed into her stretches, just going with what she did,
as every motion and every strange position seemed to loosen
him up more, and he lost track of time. There was no muscle
in his body that she didn't somehow work with, she even pulled
his toes and ears, and Vadim could just feel parts of his
body he'd never been conscious before. Felt warm and good
and taken care of, no urgency in anything, he learnt to trust
her fingers, and elbows, and feet - something he hadn't expected.
Maybe because of Dan, maybe because of the sex and the worry
that had left him. He could feel the vertebrae shift and slide
into position, his 'locked' back relaxed, and he closed his
eyes, just allowing her to handle him.
Dan lay
right next to Vadim, separated only by a paper thin partition.
The combination of gentle breeze, soft rustling of palm leaves,
the scent of oil the woman was using, and her skilled hands
that carefully worked on his bruised and abused body, had
sent him off into such a peaceful state, he had fallen asleep.
It was pure bliss, lying prone and snoozing, while she worked
on his back and legs. Dan smiled to himself in his slumbering
state, as he felt something warm glide over his skin, covering
his thighs and arse, and he subconsciously parted his legs
a little further, just to feel the luxurious warmth that spread
all over him. Face cushioned on his arm, he let out a soft
sigh, completely at peace with himself and the world.
Until
... a sudden, almighty pain ripped all the way up from his
knee, along the thigh and across his buttock. Dan jerked up,
pulling the bruises, and screamed blue murder. "Fuck!"
At that,
Vadim reacted without thinking. Age-old reflexes that had
been honed by words like "incoming!", or screams,
or just a comrade going down with a headshot. He rolled off
the table and went for cover before he even realized anything,
putting the fear of god into the little Thai girl who jumped
back, a shocked expression on her face, hands raised and speaking
something, but he didn't know one word of Thai. Half kneeling,
half crouching, Vadim peered past the massage table. "Dan?"
"Oh
shit, shit, fucking goddamned, bloody shit!" Dan was
cursing, curled up on the table. Holding simultaneously his
bruised side, his hand, and arm and leg and arse, and just
about everything else. His own Thai girl had pressed herself
into a corner, looking absolutely terrified, with two long
white linen strips in her hands, coated with sticky wax.
"What
the fuck was that for? Why the hell is she skinning me alive?"
Vadim
glanced around, then saw that his own Thai girl had been preparing
the same stuff for him, and he couldn't help but laugh. "Hot
wax. It's harmless."
"Hot
wax?" Dan managed to sit on the table, peering over the
partition to try find Vadim, who had decided that there was
no RPG incoming and that it was safe to stand and walk over
to Dan, who was staring at his naked body far too blatantly.
"But
why is she doing that? It hurts like fuck." Dan frowned,
but when he realised that the girl looked petrified, he raised
his hands, trying to placate, apologising time and time again
while nodding. Trying to explain without being able to talk
the language that he was sorry and it wasn't her fault. Even
though he still didn't have a clue why the hell she'd done
that. "Did you book me into a torture chamber, or what?"
"It's
hair removal." Vadim tried to control the laughter, but
it was just too funny, Dan sitting there in all his injured
pride, flabbergasted that this could and actually did hurt.
"You wanted the whole hog. My wax is just being heated."
"But
I didn't know what 'the whole hog' meant! I thought it was
massage and stuff." Eyes narrowed, Dan pointed accusingly
at Vadim. "You did that deliberately, didn't you? You
bastard."
Vadim
laughed, but raised his hands. "No, Sir, I didn't. I
booked the same treatment twice. I didn't think it
would have that effect." Trying again for the straight
face approach, but it was funny. Dan's wool clinging to the
waxing strips, and the girl still out of reach and not getting
what the problem was. "It'll be better once you get used
to it. I guess you were just startled."
"There
is no way I am going to get used to this." Dan huffed,
shaking his head for emphasis. "That's it. Never again.
I'm dark skinned and dark haired, and most of all, I'm a bloke.
Blokes have hair, especially dark haired ones."
"But
she started." Vadim waved for Dan to get up, and walked
around him, seeing the patch of reddening, hairless skin the
Thai girl had cleared. "Well. It's a bit irregular, but
I'm sure the other mercs in camp won't mind the patchy look."
"What
the fuck do you mean?" Dan's brows raised as far as they
could go, trying to twist backwards to see what Vadim was
referring to. Didn't manage, though, his ribs protested.
"There's
a patch of hair missing already. If you leave it like that
well. It's not the best look in the world." Vadim
reached for a mirror and held it down beside Dan's tortured
backside. "See what I mean?"
"Oh
fuck." Dan breathed out in heartfelt misery, as
he saw the extent of damage. "I look like a fucking idiot."
"That's
about right", said Vadim, but smiled.
Frowning,
Dan turned back to Vadim. Would have crossed his arms before
his chest, if it hadn't been awkward with the wrist in plaster.
"Alright. I got it. I have to get through with it. Just
one thing, she's not going to go anywhere close to my cock
and I shave my nuts anyway. Pubes are out. Is that clear?"
He raised his brows again.
Vadim
grinned. "Explain that to her. I'm not giving you the
treatment." He shook his head, thinking how Dan could
even make such a situation into something it hadn't meant
to be. "Hope you don't mind if they get rid of mine,
though", he said, winking, and turned to lie down on
his side of the partition. It was hard to relax as silent
laughter kept coming back. Oh Dan.
Dan was
about to huff an answer, but shut up and pressed his lips
together instead. Okay, he'd been caught out, well and truly
and 'insult to injury' came to his mind. He sighed when the
girl was looking at him with wide eyes, and proceeded to explain
in simple English what he wanted. She began to smile, as if
nothing had happened, and kept nodding, especially when he
promised not to scream again. With heav |