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November/December
1992, the Balkans
It was
still freezing cold and Dan could feel the chill to the very
core of his body. Too exhausted, though, to worry about hypothermia.
Just walking, one limping step after the other, his arm around
Vadim, who was leaning against him, arm pressing onto the
wound in his side.
The night
was turning towards dawn, but both men were too weary to glance
up, just kept moving. On and on, and if they had to crawl,
they'd do that as well. Thirsty and hungry, exhausted and
in too much pain to notice the sound of a vehicle in the distance.
But then
something registered, and Vadim stopped, listening to the
sound of a car - jeep, he assumed. Shit. He only hoped that
this wasn't chetnik cavalry. "Off the road", he
said, bone-weary, but not quite ready to give up.
"Fuck."
Dan pressed out, too tired to move his lips much. But he didn't
argue, knew too well that what separated a mere man from a
special forces soldier: was to never give up. "How the
fuck
" but he was already moving, hobbling, while
yet still looking out for Vadim, trying to help him towards
and down the side of the road, even though he could hardly
keep balance.
Vadim
grimaced, but truth was, the wound had worn him down badly,
mentally as well as physically. Wouldn't have been an issue
ten years ago. Fuck. He managed to get down and lie flat in
the ditch, peering at the road. AK ready to fire, just in
case, while Dan was still trying to get down and didn't manage
with that stiffened knee. Pressing himself against the steep
embankment instead. Glancing down at Vadim, Dan grimaced.
The vehicle was getting close, he could feel the vibrations,
and when he looked up, he saw it coming towards them.
A Landrover.
Camouflaged. Military vehicle. Goddamned motherfucking UNPROFOR.
"Vadim!"
Dan shouted, trying to get back up the ditch in time, but
there was no way he could make it, lifting his rifle into
the air instead, firing a round to garner attention. Hoping
it wouldn't be answered with fire instead. "Hey!"
The vehicle was coming to a halt. "Over here!"
Vadim
pushed himself up and helped Dan up the ditch, while every
strain pulled with teeth at Vadim's wound. Their side. Kind
of. He grimaced again, holding his side, and tried to stand
on his own two feet. Securing the AK, he slung it over his
shoulder, studying the people in the car with impassiveness.
A couple
of soldiers were jumping out of the vehicle, and Dan was flooded
with relief when he saw the flags on their uniforms. British.
Goddamnedmotherfucking Brits. "You been looking for us?"
he grinned at the men, who were looking at them with undisguised
curiosity.
"Dan
McFadyen and Vadim Krasnorada?" One of the men asked
and Dan nodded.
"Aye,
the same. Get us the fuck out of here, will you? Vadim's injured,
and my knee's fucked." Vadim just nodded to that. Too
tired to feel much relief. Too tired to feel much of anything.
The man
was pointing at the weapons, raising a brow. "I believe
we take those with us, won't we?"
"Yes.
They won't be missed." Vadim unslung the AK and then
the Dragunov, holding them in both hands, while Dan did the
same with his AK, while moving towards the car. "How
did you know where to look?"
"We
got alerted that you were missing when neither of you appeared
for your shift. Yesterday morning, we were contacted by someone
from the outside, who was able to give us additional information
on where you might have been seen last. We found a burnt-out
vehicle, and I have just been told that another wreck was
located." The man raised his brow again while the other
soldier took the weapons and secured them, then both of them
helping first Vadim and then Dan into the back of the long
wheel base Lannie. The benches were hard, but a hell of a
lot better than stumbling along the road. "You will have
to answer a bunch of questions, you are aware of that? The
loss of vehicles, acquisition of weapons and a few other things."
Dan grinned
tiredly, "Aye, but you haven't answered Vadim's question
yet." Leaning against the back, he looked with relief
at the water bottle that was handed to him, another to Vadim.
"How did you know where to look?"
That
brow went up again, as the soldier laconically answered, "Any
organisation that isn't able to tap into underground sources
is worth shit."
Dan grinned,
tipped his head back and emptied a good portion of the bottle.
"In that case, got any first aid on board?" The
vehicle was setting into motion, slowly turning on the narrow
road.
Vadim
opened the bottle and drank, shifting on the bench to find
a position that was the most comfortable. They'd get debriefed
to hell, but right now, he was too tired to care. They'd be
safe, and they might even get away with it. The guy who wasn't
driving joined them on the bench, holding up the first aid
kit. "I'll have a look. You're worse off?" Nodding
to Vadim.
Vadim
shrugged. "Dan's knee, my side, but my wound's open.
Glass cuts."
"I'm
alright. Nothing first aid can do anyway." Dan shrugged.
The guy
made a gesture to encourage Vadim to show him, and Vadim lifted
the jumper and shirt, wincing at the dried blood that had
encrusted the cloth, ripping off, when it was moved. Very
carefully, the soldier uncovered the wound, and Vadim just
watched him, as he recovered and bandaged everything again,
sterile this time.
Dan had
his eyes closed, the now empty bottle between his hands, seemingly
asleep, when he suddenly opened his eyes when the soldier
was done. "Got anything to eat with you?"
"Couple
of Mars bars."
"Can
I have one? Bloody starving."
The man
flashed a grin and pulled two large chocolate bars out of
a bergan, offering one each. "I know you're going to
get grilled to hell, but I'm curious, what the fuck have you
been up to since you vanished?"
Dan grinned
and shook his head, hardly managing to tear the wrapper off
the bar with his frozen fingers. "Just some car crash,
RGPs, close encounter with fatal results, and finally getting
about a hundred civilians out of a besieged town, while decimating
a large group of chetniks and their armoured vehicles in the
process, and sadly having to burn the town partially down
to the ground and blow a bridge to smithereens."
"Don't
mention the snipers", said Vadim, tearing the wrapper
between teeth and hand. "Or Jimi Hendrix."
"Oh
aye, Jimi, don't forget him.
"What?"
The soldier asked, incredulously.
Dan shrugged,
biting half the chocolate bar off in one go, "nothing
special."
Vadim
gave a grin and let the sugar in the bar hit his bloodstream.
It was really too sweet and too much of it, and it would only
make him hungrier in the end, but for the moment, this hit
the right spot.
The soldier
turned his attention to Dan. "Any wounds I should have
a look at?"
"No,
I'm alright. Just fucked my knee." He shrugged and gave
a tired grin. "Just wake me when it's time to get ripped
a second one, aye?" Dan closed his eyes and leaned his
head against Vadim's shoulder, no weight behind it, just careful.
"Alright.
Should be half an hour, forty-five minutes, back to camp.
If you're lucky you get treatment and maybe food and even
hot water and soap, before they start the ripping."
"No
sleep?" Dan yawned.
"You
should be so lucky."
"Damn."
But Dan grinned and kept his eyes closed. Didn't matter, they
were alive, and that was all that counted. Vadim breathed
laughter, leaned his head against Dan's and lifted a hand
to touch Dan's cheek, holding it while for the first time
in what felt like ages, properly resting. "I love you",
he murmured in Russian, under his breath, and Dan smiled,
said nothing, but turned his head and placed a kiss onto Vadim's
cheek. He never bothered to check the soldier's reaction,
but there was no gasp of shock, so maybe he hadn't seen or
didn't care, or was too mortified react audibly.
Whatever
the case, they were moving on at a comfortable speed for a
while, when Dan felt the vehicle slow down. "What's up?"
Blinking bleary-eyed. "Trouble?"
"Doesn't
seem so." The soldier was immediately alert, peering
out of the car, his weapon at the ready. Defence, yes. Attack,
no. "There's a whole trek of people. Seems to be refugees."
"People?"
Dan was suddenly awake, even though his body didn't want to
move. "Let me see. Could be the townsfolk."
Vadim
rubbed his eyes, then frowned, staring out of the car. "If
it's them, they made pretty good progress", he murmured.
When
the people came into view, they didn't seem familiar, maybe
it was the different scenery, the different light, different
situation. But then Vadim spotted Stjepan, and murmured. "Yes,
it's them. Up there. The kid."
"Shit,
yes." Dan grinned like a lunatic, "and the girl
there, what's her name ... Sanya, it's her. They made it!"
His grin couldn't get any bigger. "Stop the car, will
you?" And despite the soldier's frown, he got the driver
to stop when they had pulled up alongside the two kids.
"Hey!"
Dan called out and a few faces turned. "You made it.
Where are you heading to?"
Stjepan
smiled, holding his hand out and into the vehicle, towards
Dan first, then Vadim, while being watched with hawk-eyes
by the soldiers. "Refugee camp." He squeezed the
girl's shoulder, and Sanya showed the first tentative ghost
of a smile ever.
"I'm
glad you made it." Dan murmured, "I really am."
She glanced
at Vadim and her smile grew a little before it died again.
"You hurt?"
Vadim
smiled at her. "Just a scratch."
"That
is good." She nodded a little before her face closed
up again.
Vadim
was amazed that she could care about somebody else in her
situation, and he desperately wanted to help, to do something.
Leaving them to their own devices didn't feel right. But then,
Stjepan had done a good job keeping her together, and that
gave him a little hope. Human resourcefulness. He had nothing
that he could give away, no money, nothing that would help
them.
"Do
you know anything about the boys who rigged the stereo?"
Dan asked.
Stjepan
gestured with his thumb towards the front. "Yes, they
are over there. We didn't have all that many losses. Not as
bad as usual
"
The soldier
was motioning to Dan that it was time to move on.
"Okay."
Dan nodded. "Wish you good luck, okay? You'll make it."
Vadim
smiled at them, hoped it looked natural and less strained
than it felt. And just hoping they were safe now and would
remain so. And maybe one day even put their lives back together.
"Yes.
Yes, we'll be alright." Stjepan placed his hand on Sanya's
shoulder again, and he nodded. "We'll make it. Better
catch up now, though."
"Yes,
you better." Dan smiled, feeling woefully inadequate,
as if they were deserting those kids when they should have
picked them up, put them into a home and a school and let
them be what they should be: kids. Not soldiers. Not survivors,
but there was fuck-all he could do.
"Thank
you." Stjepan called out, when the Landrover had already
started to move, rolling away from them. "We wouldn't
be alive without you!" Shouting after the Dan and Vadim,
who kept looking out, hands waving.
Eventually,
Vadim turned back - straightening because his side still fucking
hurt too much to stay twisted like that for long. "I
need
" Pausing, realizing he'd spoken what he'd
been thinking. Need to get in touch with my kids. Sanya and
Stjepan reminded him too much of the children he'd left behind.
"Need
what?" Dan leaned once more against the side of the vehicle,
fishing in his pockets for a last cigarette, but it was hard
to do anything with those cold fingers.
"A
shower, sleep, food. Not sure in that order." Vadim didn't
want to mention his family, not with the Katya issue in the
room. He didn't want to remind Dan, didn't want to start a
quarrel, he wasn't even quite ready to face the fact that
burning bridges had probably been a mistake. Not staying in
touch. It had started with trying to get away from them so
he didn't miss them, just moved away until that old life had
faded and lost power, but then he had been ashamed and didn't
want them to see what he had become. Maybe, just maybe, they
could find a way that wasn't too painful?
"Aye,
couldn't agree more, but you heard what we've just been told."
Dan grinned tiredly at the soldier opposite to them, "we
won't get a chance to sleep." Finally finding his squashed
cigarette pack, he just about managed to fish out a last,
crumpled fag, and lighted the sad excuse for a nicotine fix.
"Never mind, I'll probably fall asleep during the grilling
anyway."
"Catch
a nap right now, hm?" Vadim placed his arm around Dan's
shoulder to pull him close again and make him lean against
his shoulder, closing his eyes now, too. They'd done good.
However this little odyssey had started, in the end, it was
mostly a victory.
"Okay."
Dan smiled, smoking with closed eyes, until the fag almost
fell out from between his lips, and ended beneath the boot
of the soldier who said nothing, and just extinguished it.
*
* * * * * *
"We're
almost back."
The soldier's
voice pulled Dan back out of his slumber, and hell, it was
hard to open his eyes. Feeling each and every of his years,
and a body that had been on the line for almost all of them.
Ten years ago he would have bounced back, but there wasn't
any margin left, this time.
Nodding,
Dan turned his head to Vadim, murmuring into his ear, "and
what the fuck's our story?"
Vadim
gently touched his head to Dan's, speaking Russian, if reluctant.
"Simple. I headed out because a civvie contact told me
about that camp. And I wanted to verify it. I'll still get
a bollocking, but it's not 'criminal insanity' anymore."
"Okay."
Dan smiled, so tired his brain took twice as long to digest
everything, but at least his Russian didn't fail him. "And
I followed you because of partnership problems. Wanted to
have a chat with you, get it out into the open, make or break
time. That'll get me a bollocking, too, for unprofessionalism,
but at least it's a reason." Adding, even quieter, "it's
not even far off the truth." If at all.
Vadim
reached over and took Dan's hand. "Sounds believable
to me." Make or break. That fucking close again.
"Aye,"
Dan switched to English, "it is, except for the black
and white." Too cryptic. "Don't forget, whatever
we did, it was in self-defence. Otherwise we'd get into deep
shit." Dan squeezed Vadim's hand, smiling, as he pulled
back a little to look at him, once more talking Russian. "You
can't get rid of me that easily, but we do have to have a
chat about your tendency of violence. Hit first, talk later."
He pulled a toothy grin, as much as he managed in his exhausted
state. Ignoring the soldier who was loudly clearing his throat.
Vadim
huffed laughter, then looked at the soldier. "Excuse
me", he murmured, voice slightly slurred with the exhaustion.
"Haven't had much chance to talk, lately."
"It's
okay." The man nodded, studiously avoiding to look at
the combined hands, though, and the heads touching. "I'm
just not
used to this." Making a sweeping gesture
as he grimaced a smile.
"Yeah.
I can imagine. But indulge us. We've been through a lot, and
pretending to be straight isn't that easy right now",
Vadim said.
"Okay."
Repeated, then offering, "been in shit once, myself.
I understand."
Vadim
didn't pursue this further, even though he saw a million openings
- but he didn't have the perseverance right now, nor the belligerence.
And he was only mildly astonished that he didn't feel any
shame or darkness, but maybe those were numbed by the tiredness
as well. Instead he gave the man something of a tired smile
and a nod, acknowledging.
Dan just
grinned and closed his eyes again, just glad he didn't have
to let go of Vadim's hand. Too tired to comment, too bone
weary and, yes, unspeakably glad to be alive. Simple pleasure,
and the most profound of all.
They
stopped for a moment when making their way through the guard
post, and finally they were back in camp. Dan took a deep
breath and braced himself to get up, his swollen knee stiff
and unbendable. "Best get out, aye? Need some help?"
"I'm
okay." Vadim pulled, then pushed himself up. "Come
on." He climbed off the vehicle, then offered Dan a hand.
"Lean on my shoulder." He saw others gathering,
small groups. People were curious, of course, and the camp
grapevine was ever faithful. They didn't make a huge show
out of it, but they were watching.
He didn't
have to help Dan, because a medic came already running, a
couple of nurses on his heels. Unfortunately, the CO was right
behind them. "You need a stretcher?" The doc was
calling out, but Dan shook his head.
"No,
just a fucked knee. Someone lend me a hand?" Not yet
letting go of Vadim, though. "I'm not the one who needs
stitching up."
The CO
stepped close - jaw tight and eyes narrow, giving both a once
over that showed resentment rather than concern, thought Vadim.
Coolly, like he'd had a lot of time to put together the sentences,
he said: "Krasnorada and McFadyen grace us again with
their presence. How considerate."
"Aye,
Sir, and if you'd seen the blaze and heard the explosions,
you could have had the pleasure of getting a glimpse of us
last night." Dan just about managed to get to the ground,
letting out a groan when he landed. Too tired and too deadly
exhausted to give a fuck. Except for Vadim, looking out for
him, but the medic was already taking over, ignoring the CO,
while asking Vadim where he was injured.
Vadim
pointed at his side and was made to sit down, the doc examining
the wound right there and then.
The CO
looked at Vadim, not a muscle in his face moving as he saw
the wound being uncovered and the medic's glance towards him.
Then back to Dan, who was leaning heavily against the vehicle.
"Preliminary
report. There were a lot of inquiries, and I need answers
right now. What happened?"
"I
followed Vadim, two nights ago, because of
" deliberately
hesitating, "problems in our partnership. I wanted to
clarify things once and for all."
To the
CO's credit, he didn't blink. It was the most open secret
in the camp, but the CO must have long decided that it was
none of his business, not unless those two men had another
bust-up in the open. Very much the 'I don't want to know'
approach to gay mercenaries.
Dan paused,
just as deliberate, "oh, and sorry for the vehicle, if
we hadn't shot mine off to hell we wouldn't be here, alive."
Dan shifted, while a nurse was checking him out, moving arms,
prodding ribs, but he was fine until she got to the knee and
he yelped, getting himself under control, though. "We
made it to an abandoned village, seemed to have been forcefully
emptied. Killed a couple of guys in self defence, kitted ourselves
out, you'll find the weapons were handed over to the guys
who picked us up." He didn't move when his trouser leg
was cut off, displaying a grotesquely swollen knee. Since
the CO was obviously expecting him to go on, so he did.
"We
found transport on the way, turned out they were Bosniaks,
but the crazy bastards took us right into a besieged town.
We just about made it into one of the buildings during the
attack. Realised that we'd never survive another night, not
with the strategic importance of the bridge, and the way the
town was crumbling. Not many able fighters left. So we came
up with a completely fucked-up plan for an attack, and won.
It was all defence, though. Of course." He shrugged,
"simple as that. Molotovs and shabby tanks don't go well
together, and Vadim here, he's a sniper par excellence. We
got a Dragunov off one of the wounded guys, burnt down some
buildings for light and distraction, got them to pull all
their resources to the front where we attacked, and killed
the chetniks like goddamned rats. Meanwhile, the old, young,
and infirm of the town made it across the bridge. The remaining
fighters followed in the end, and we blew the bridge up, which
we had rigged up earlier. Vadim, here, had to get the manual
detonator in." Deliberately avoiding the mention of Jimi
Hendrix. Too weird was too weird. "You know the rest.
We are alive, got picked up, and really are sorry for those
vehicles of yours, but
"glancing at where they
were working on Vadim, getting him ready to be taken inside
and properly stitched up, "but not for the rest, aye?"
Adding, because he was still the irreverent bastard, "and
you'll be pleased to know we sorted out partnership problems."
The CO
looked at Vadim, then stepped closer to Dan, speaking so quietly
that only Dan heard it. "There are reasons why most professional
armies do not run the risk of admitting women into combat
roles", he stated, as if making an observation about
some long bygone battle, and Dan blinked, once. Slowly, dangerously,
and he was about to ask what the fuck he'd meant with that
and if he was seeing any women around there, when the CO turned,
wisely, and glanced at Vadim. The medic was just pulling up
a syringe with some clear liquid, doubtlessly painkillers.
"Krasnorada?"
"He's
right. That's what happened."
The medic
cleaned a spot of skin with some alcohol and gauze.
"No.
Why did you leave camp?"
"I
heard a rumour from ... a contact. About ..." Vadim hissed
when the needle went into his biceps, and then gave a suppressed
groan when the analgesic took that grinding, twisting pain
away. Something to shoot a wounded horse up with. "A
camp. A concentration camp. Like they use." Vadim let
his head falls back, finding it hard to focus. "Down
the road, up that mountain. I can show it on the map."
"Another
camp?" The CO purses his lips, then decided that he wouldn't
get anything else out of Vadim, instead returned his attention
to Dan. "Can you show me the location on the map?"
"Aye."
Dan's eyes were still narrowed, if the exhaustion hadn't taken
over, his anger would explode any second. "If you get
one, because I can't fucking walk ... Sir." Hissed, but
the tiredness took the worst sting away, and he resented that.
The CO
extended a hand and one of the men handed him a map. The officer,
then, undaunted, stepped closer, folding the map out to display
the general area where Dan and Vadim had been.
Dan needed
a moment to concentrate, the squiggly lines were blurring
one into the other, but he found his bearings after a moment,
following the map with a finger until he stopped at the spot
where the RPG had hit Vadim's vehicle. "There. We were
on top of the hill and if you look down here
"
pointing westward, "there it was. And that's why the
fuckers were so adamant to kill us. We'd seen something they
sure as fuck didn't want anyone to see."
"I'll
have that investigated."
The medic
cleared his throat. "I'm taking Krasnorada now, Sir."
He received a curt nod, while the nurses helped Vadim get
on the stretcher. The medic stepped to Dan and had a closer
look at the knee. "I want an x-ray of that", he
murmured. "And you're not walking. Nowhere."
"Trust
me," Dan grimaced, "I'd rather not." He stood
and waited, leaning against the vehicle and watching Vadim
being taken away. "But, just in case, you think you got
some of those happy shots for me?"
The medic
looked at him. "Hm. Maybe you deserve a small mercy."
Not even glancing at the CO, but the words clear enough. "This
is bad, McFadyen."
"I
will see you after you've cleaned up and had some rest. And
I will hear the full story. Dismissed." The CO turned
around, heading back to where he'd come from.
The medic
prepared another syringe, tapped the bubble out and, very
carefully, administered the shot into the swollen knee, while
Dan breathed very, very quickly and shallow through his nose.
"Don't move. I want you in the hospital as fast as possible."
"I
didn't mean to shot it into my fucking knee!" Grimacing,
but soon he could feel
nothing, and he stopped complaining.
"Hospital? That's bloody miles away." Dan frowned,
imploring the medic, "can't you just patch me up for
now and let me have some scrubbing, food, water, and rest
and not even necessarily in that order, before you ship me
off to the hospital? I'm fucking falling over in a second.
Been out there forty-eight hours or thereabouts." And
he missed Vadim, needed some time with him, just to sleep
and hold, without anyone shooting at them.
The medic
frowned. "Okay. I'll bandage this to give it some stability,
you'll keep it cool, foot up, and if I see that foot touch
the ground - or anything else - for a moment, I'll have you
medevacced. This knee looks like it's coming apart, and if
you want to ever use your leg again, I'd rather not take the
slightest risk. Do you get me?"
"Aye."
Dan frowned. "I get you, okay? Just slap something on
that lets me have a shower. I stink like a skunk and I'd really
like to wash the shit off my hands that probably came from
a few bodies."
The medic
sent a nurse to fetch crutches, then set to work right away,
stabilising the leg, then stood up, gathering his stuff. "Right.
Off you go. I'll check on you. Your partner should be stitched
up by now, I'll have him delivered to your room."
"Cheers."
Dan smiled, didn't take more than a couple of minutes before
the nurse came back with crutches. "Guess we can manage
the rest ourselves."
"I'll
call the hospital and I'll see you once you've rested - and
reported." The medic watched Dan make a couple of measly
attempts at moving with the crutches, but turned away when
Dan got the hang out of it within a few steps.
Hobbling
over to their accommodation building, Dan had rarely been
so glad to be back in that place. He got inside, and onto
a chair, starting to peel himself out of the soiled and torn,
as well as cut-off clothing, which could only be burnt. The
absence of pain was utterly luxurious, if only someone could
carry him to the showers now.
But he
managed on his own, and with a towel around his hips, shower
gel dangling from his hand and on both crutches, he made his
way half asleep across the hallway to the washing area, where
he stood for an eternity under the hot spray. Leaning against
the tiled wall and simply enjoying the heat and being clean.
Just
a little later, Vadim was led back to the hut, sporting a
stark white bandage around his waist. Still incoherent from
the painkiller, but cleaned up a bit as if one of the nurses
had had mercy on the man - or considered all the dirt to be
a problem. He had a blanket over his shoulders and they got
him to sit down on the bed, took off the boots and helped
him get into bed. They should be in the sick station, both
of them, but maybe the medic had acknowledged that they'd
get more peace and quiet and sleep in their own quarters.
Still
dripping wet, Dan made his way back, finding a stack of sandwiches
in front of the room, and fresh water bottles. Laboriously
getting inside, food and all, he smiled when he saw Vadim
on the bed. "Hey, Russkie, glad to see you. Hungry?"
Vadim
moved his head and looked at him, blue eyes glazed. "Not
sure. Don't feel ... a thing." Thinking, very carefully,
through the fog in his head. "Maybe. I should be."
"Aye,
and don't tell me you're still wearing something, hm? Are
you?" Hopping over on one leg, Dan somehow managed to
get the sandwiches and the water step by step across. Finally
flopping onto the bed himself. Still damp, but he really couldn't
be bothered. The blankets would do the trick.
Vadim
looked down at himself. "Yeah. Trousers. What's left
of them. But no socks." Smiling wearily, welcoming Dan
when he lay down next to him. "Tomorrow. Yes?"
"No.
First, we'll get rid of your trousers, because you'll be uncomfortable
otherwise, and then you'll eat at least a couple of sandwiches,
okay?" Adding, while already working on the fly, "for
me?" Pulling every string, but hell, they'd both not
eaten for too long, and those painkillers seemed to have a
remarkable effect on Vadim. "And then we sleep. Sounds
like bliss, right?" Pulling on the trousers to get them
off.
Vadim
managed to muster enough focus to lift his hips and help with
getting undressed, but was clumsy, and only with supreme willpower
managed to get the trousers and pants off. Underneath, at
least, he was fairly clean. "Just ... water." He
murmured, reaching for the bottle, and managed to drink something,
but spilled almost as much. "Fuck", he said without
passion or conviction. "Whatever they put in me, I ..."
Trailing off.
"
am in a very happy place." Dan chuckled tiredly, and
gave up trying to feed Vadim with anything.
"Aye."
Belated.
Taking
hold of the blankets, both on the one bed, it would have to
do for now, as long as he didn't touch Vadim's bad side. Tucking
both of them in, he stuffed his face with a handful of sandwiches,
while watching Vadim, eyes closed, expression growing evermore
slack, before he found a comfortable position. As much touching
and as close to Vadim as possible without hurting, and within
seconds, Dan fell asleep.
*
* * * * * *
Dan had
no idea how long he had slept, when a low-level sensation
of dulled ache began to invade his senses. On top of that
an irritating itch from a three-day stubble, and the mild
feeling that he needed to piss. Most of all, though, he became
slowly aware of the absence of danger. Muted voices from outside,
the warmth of blankets and a comfortable room, even though
there was little space where he lay, until he was awake enough
for the realisation that he was not alone. The bulk of heat
beside him felt good under his hand, and before he could try
to move closer, he remembered. Everything. With growing clarity,
including Vadim's injury. He breathed in deeply and stayed
where he was. Not moving was the best idea right now, anyway.
Opening
his eyes, though, but it was fairly dark in the room, the
only light coming through the window from the outside lighting
of the camp. Watching Vadim's profile for a while, he smiled.
Simply content to be alive, safe, and most of all, to be with
Vadim - without anger, hurt and accusations between them.
Eventually,
Vadim awoke. No start, no slow drifting, just awake from one
moment to the next. He must have slept well, he felt rested,
unlike in those nights when the dreams haunted him and made
him wake leaden and tired, and without hope. Feeling Dan close,
he turned his head to regard him. "How long have you
been watching me?"
"No
idea." Dan smiled, "but I'm gagging for a fag, so
I guess it must have been a while." Letting his hand
stroke along the good side of Vadim's chest, then down the
arm. Relishing in the simple pleasure of touch. "How
do you feel?"
"Pretty
good. My side hurts a bit, but as long as I take it easy,
it should be okay. What about you?"
"A
thousand times better than in the morning. Except for that
damned beard." Dan chuckled quietly. "But I can't
be arsed to get up and shave. It's too comfortable here, and
I'd be surprised if they left us in peace till the morning."
"What
time is it?" Vadim reached over to touch the stubble
and felt the tightness in his side. The painkiller was wearing
off. "Feel like I've slept twelve hours straight."
He leaned over to kiss Dan, one of those small, gentle kisses
that were more about being alright than ravenous desire.
"No
idea, hang on
" Slowly rolling over with a grunt,
Dan fished for his watch, eyeing the wardrobe where he kept
his fags, but getting up was too much effort, even for a nicotine
addict like him. "After seven. We did sleep something
like ten hours." Reaching to rasp his fingertips over
Vadim's stubble, less pronounced than his own, he grinned.
"I could help you shave, if you help me in return? It's
not that we haven't done that before
"
"There
are days when I wish we shaved electric and that electric
shaves were actually any good", Vadim murmured, but grinned.
"Okay. Give me a second. Just mustering my resolve."
Reaching for the edge of the bed, he pulled himself up to
put less strain on his side, but it still hurt, and rather
badly. "Where's that medic with his horse tranquilizer
"
"Wait
" Dan put a hand onto Vadim's shoulder, "I
could ask for some pills. Besides, we need food. If I hobbled
out, you could get mentally ready for a sponge bath and shave
near the sink." He grinned, "or we just stay here
a little while longer and I hold you for a bit, because it's
so fucking good to be able to do that."
Vadim
turned and smiled warmly. "You're not walking with that
leg, Dan. I'll do that. And maybe they'll leave us in peace
for a while longer, but I get the feeling the CO will want
to talk to us soon and I'd rather be shaved and dressed sharply
when he does." Reaching over again to cup Dan's cheek.
"If I'm wrong, we can still 'cuddle' until they come
and get us."
Dan sighed
and frowned, everything but happy about that. "Don't
you think they'd have already got us if they wanted to talk
to us tonight?" Sitting up in the bed, he muttered. "You're
running away."
Vadim
was about to get dressed, but paused at that. Had he misread
Dan? It happened, still did, sometimes. Always focused on
duty, especially during the last weeks. He didn't feel like
he was running. He'd focused on the basic needs first. Food,
medicine. "I'm not."
"You
sure? Because I've lost the ability to know lately."
Dan pulled in a deep breath and shrugged. "Never mind.
Blame the painkillers, lack of sweets, not enough nicotine,
and too much Hendrix. I just wanted
" he trailed
off and shrugged again, grimacing this time. "Needy bitch,
eh?"
Vadim
shook his head. "Not at all." Kneeling down beside
the bed, because that way he didn't have to bend his torso.
"Just
thought fix the pain and hunger first."
The 'first' sounded ominous in his own ears, and he grinned.
"But if you want to talk first, I'll just get my ass
into bed again and we talk."
Dan narrowed
his eyes, then kneaded his brows in a concentrated, unwittingly
comical fashion. "Damn. That would make me a bimbo."
Frowning with an almighty crease between his eyes. "No,
it's alright. My beard itches, I'm famished and the sandwiches
are dried out, and I need a fag. Just as long as you get your
arse back here as soon as possible, aye?"
"I
won't be long." Vadim reached for his trousers, then
noticed their state and got up to find fresh clothes in the
locker. Underwear, new clean camo, clean, dry socks. He moved
carefully and deliberately, but the wound was well padded
and the bandage tight enough to help a bit. He slipped into
trainers and a grey t-shirt. "Anything you want before
I get food, water and painkillers? If they don't shoot me
up like that again, I'll likely even find my way back."
"Ha,
ha, very funny." Dan sat on the bed, blankets off, looking
for the crutches. "Just get me a flask of coffee, and
make sure it's not the usual stewed shit." Finding the
crutches that leaned against the bed, Dan got up, on one leg,
standing in all his bearded, naked glory. "Bugger, I
should call Maurice."
Vadim
watched him, and didn't want to go, instead wanted to help
Dan get sorted. The knee looked horrible, swollen and discoloured.
It had never looked anything like that before. "I'll
go get the stuff. Shaving kit, too. Phone calls are down the
list, though, let's fix ourselves first."
"And
leave Dima without any idea what the hell happened to
us?" Hopping over to the wardrobe, Dan found the fags
first, before taking out a pair of shorts. Hopping back again,
he sat down, got a cigarette and lit it, then put the shorts
on. First things first.
"Point
taken. I'll be back in fifteen." Vadim headed out, hurried
over to the medical facilities, where he managed, barely,
to fend off the medic on late duty, who insisted that he'd
come back later so he could have a look at how the wound looked,
and managed to get painkillers off him - again having to promise
he'd bring Dan over as soon as possible, as everything was
set up the next morning to get Dan to a hospital for x-rays.
He then managed to get a tray of food from the mess, as well
as coffee and water, and brought all that back in just over
fifteen minutes. "Hey Dan, breakfast."
Dan was
still sitting on the bed, blanket over his shoulders, smoking
his third cigarette in a row. "Hey," grinning, "interesting
time for 'breakfast'."
"First
meal after waking up is breakfast in my book." Vadim
pulled a box with kit closer, to double as a table, and put
the food and drinks down. Fishing the painkillers from his
pocket, he added them to the ensemble. "Doctor says two
of those with food for you." He sat down next to Dan
and ran his hand through Dan's hair, who looked up, smiling.
"Feel
already better, but would be much more so if we could get
the beds back to how we had them before I got that damned
letter. No idea how either of us is going to move it. Perhaps
if we shuffle together?"
"Yeah,
that should work. Get rid of the kit in between, and all that.
I can try when you make that phone call. And
let Dima
know I'm pleased he's okay."
"Will
do." Dan reached for a sandwich, the cold meat sliced
thickly, and the cheese generous as well. He poured a couple
of mugs of coffee with his free hand, then remembered the
fag still between his lips and he grinned, getting rid of
it. "Not just a needy bitch, a greedy bastard as well."
"It's
been two days from hell." Vadim reached for the coffee,
which had the right temperature and seemed suitable to take
the rust off any kind of kit.
"You
could say so, but seems it was also the best two days in a
long time. After all, we got back, are more or less in one
piece minus the odd injury, spotted an illegal camp, helped
save a bunch of people, burnt down a town, and got back together.
That's not too bad in my books." Speaking with his mouth
full, Dan devoured the sandwiches, washing the bites down
every so often with some coffee. "And I liked your story
of why you got out there in the first place. Will stick to
it. Hopefully we'll get out of this with a major bollocking
but without too much trouble."
Vadim
grinned. "Good story, eh? I bet he doesn't imagine in
his wildest dreams that I could still lie in that state. Ageing
faggot and all that."
Dan burst
into laughter, almost spraying breadcrumbs across the makeshift
table. "Damn right."
Vadim
finished one of his sandwiches and felt nearly human after
emptying the first mug of coffee, too. "I won't tell
him who my contact is, and I guess he won't ask. And if he
does, fuck him. It makes the most sense."
"After
all, you could always tell him you only know your contact's
fake name, would have been too dangerous for your contact
otherwise."
"Well,
if he asks me what kind of contact, I'll tell him it's a native
I have sex with. And obviously I wouldn't ask his name."
Dan huffed
a laugh then pulled the blanket closer around him, settling
back after finishing off a large pile of food. Coffee in his
hand, Dan grinned. "You want to ask me anything about
Dima?"
"Actually,
everything. You followed me, and that is how you found him
and then?"
"Then
I took him to a safer place. One that couldn't collapse."
Dan raised his brows over the cup of coffee. "I figured
that no one ever looks at anything close by, and so I used
the bunker near the camp." He shrugged, "at first
I kept him there, for a night, but with blankets, food, torch,
all the necessities. And no shackles
," raising
his brows once more, "didn't know you were quite
such a kinky bastard." Dan chuckled lightly to take the
sting out of his words. "Anyway, when I went back the
next day I had come up with an idea to get him into the French
embassy to safety, and Maurice, surgeon mate of mine, was
going to pick him up. I left the door open, told Dima whatever
happened someone would come in the morning. That was the night
when I followed you, and obviously, it wasn't I who picked
him up, but Maurice must have done it."
"I
tied him up to protect him, weird as that sounds. I didn't
want to kill him accidentally when I
went out to fight
the bastards. I was trying to find a better solution, but
I had no idea what I could do so I kept him like that. So
what do you think of him?"
"He's
a good guy who ended up with some real arseholes for some
fucked up reasons."
Vadim
laughed. "That about nails it. Damn. Tell him I'm sorry
when you talk to him?"
"Why
don't you talk to him yourself? He's your former comrade,
I've only known him for a couple of days." Unwilling
to mention anything else.
"True.
But I'm thinking I'll let him cool off for a while."
Vadim had another sandwich, and poured himself more coffee.
"That whole thing, between us
" Trailing off
to invite Dan to talk first.
"Between
us, as in you and I?" Dan put the empty mug down.
"Yeah.
You and I." Vadim watched him, intently. "And, I
guess, Katya."
"Don't!"
Dan's reaction was sharp. "Don't mention that bitch's
name." He shook his head vehemently. "I don't mind
you mentioning Kisa, though. Can't hate the kid, not her fault,
and fuck, does she look like me. Not a blond and blue-eyed
Krasnorada, aye?"
Vadim
gave a sigh and ran his hands over his face. "She's still
my ex-wife and Anya's and Nikolai's mother. And that of
of Kisa. I don't want you to
" disgrace that, was
the thought he had, but it was that painful, uncomfortable
feeling of two people hating each other that he still cared
about.
"She's
a fucking selfish bitch who blackmailed me to do something
when I was fucking vulnerable and that was so fucking painful
at the time, that it still haunts me. And then the fucking
gall to tell me I'm a fucking sperm donor with no fucking
right to ever see the 'product'. I had hoped it would never
happen, that I wasn't fertile or what-the-fuck, but she's
here now. I have a daughter, because I was used." Dan
shrugged, agitated, but trying to keep himself in control.
"Fine, so I was used, get over it, McFadyen, but then
you come along and beat the shit out of me, not even giving
me a chance to explain what the fuck had really happened.
Just expecting that I had betrayed you. So, no, Vadim,
stuff it. I Do. Not. Want. To. Talk. About. This. Bitch. Ever.
Again. Did I make myself clear?" Reaching for his cigarettes,
Dan's hands were everything but steady.
"Okay.
I won't mention her." It seemed callous even by Katya's
standards, if this was true, and Vadim's head spun from the
information, and Dan's clear anguish. Letting the uncomfortable
silence drag on, with no idea what to do now. "What's
the plan? How do we
deal with this?"
Dan shrugged,
his hand visibly shaking as he lit the fag, calming, though,
when he inhaled and blew out the smoke. "I guess we don't.
You just try and never again not give me a chance, and I
"
he shrugged again, his most frequent gesture in this conversation.
"I set up a trust for Kisa. The bitch is not to touch
it, it's for Kisa's education or for whatever else she might
need the money for when she's eighteen. I hope she'll turn
out cleverer than her
" pausing, inhaling deeply,
deeply, before finally settling on a word, "biological
...." but then he stopped.
"Two
things. Don't call her 'bitch' in my presence. Call her what
you will when I'm not around, but don't make me listen to
you ranting about her. I owe her that much. Second, if you
think you'd have been too stupid for higher education, think
again. You have a good mind, Dan. You weren't so fucking sexy
if you hadn't."
"Ranting?
Fuck you." Dan shook his head and kept the burning fag
between his lips, snatching the crutches to get up.
"Yes,
she deserves being called that, but
try and understand
me? I was married to that woman. We have two children.
She always made sure I'd be secure. Like a good comrade, or
a sister, or a good friend."
"Aye,
I understand you." Hopping on the crutches to the wardrobe,
pulling out training bottoms and sweatshirt. "I always
try to fucking understand you, but I guess I don't. Guess
you're just too goddamned complicated and I'm just too bloody
simple. So do me a favour, and
whatever." Dan
hopped back with the clothes under his arm.
"Okay.
That's 'fuck off' then." Vadim remained sitting, rubbed
his face again.
"No,
it's not." Dan turned round, too fast, losing balance
and falling back onto the bed. "It's about asking the
same fucking question in return. Try to understand me? Or
have you never considered that I might need to be understood,
because I am too fucking happy all the fucking time? Because
I'm old Dan, and old Dan didn't go through all the shit you
went through, and what old Dan did go through, old Dan's happily
dealing with, because he's just a happy-go-lucky Scottish
peasant git anyway?"
"I'm
sorry. I
" Vadim gave a pained smile. "Guess
I just thought you were so much stronger than I am."
"I
don't know, Vadim. I don't know what 'strength' even is. Who
is stronger? No fucking idea. We're different, but stronger?
I don't know. All I do know is that this
this
thing fucking hurt! And shit, why the fuck do I have
to even say it? Fucking damned hate having to admit to this
shit."
Vadim
reached over and took hold of Dan's neck, pulling him close,
moving close enough to kiss him. "And all I know
is that I can't lose you. I need you. You keep me together.
You keep me going."
"That's
a big fucking lot of responsibility, isn't it?" Dan's
dark eyes were vulnerable, "you need me, or you love
me. Which one is it? And is there room for understanding me
as well?"
"It's
both, Dan. Not either or." Vadim touched his face to
Dan's. "And I'll try harder, understanding you."
"It's
usually not that difficult." Dan murmured, cigarette
forgotten in his hand, burnt down to the filter, but reluctant
to move, even though he didn't know what else to say.
Vadim
moved to touch his lips to Dan's, tilting his head with his
hand, urging him to open up and pressed in harder, needed
that feeling now, that want and need. The fact there was the
desire that had been the basis of everything, much before
any feelings or thoughts had become important, complicating
it all. "I missed you, Dan. Everything."
"Then
why the fuck do you throw it away that easily?" Murmured,
lips open and against Vadim's. Always willing, forever responding.
Not much that could stop the need of many years.
"I
was just
hurt
"
"Yeah,
welcome to my world."
Vadim
pushed Dan back to lie on the bed, moved carefully on top,
making sure he didn't touch Dan's leg, even fleetingly, and
kept kissing, hands running over Dan's body. "But
doesn't matter."
"No?"
Dan's brows both shot up. "What does matter, then?"
"Guess."
Vadim grinned, hand going to Dan's groin. "I guess we're
forbidden any strenuous activity
but what about a non-strenuous
blowjob?"
"And
how are you going to manage with your stitched-up side?"
Dan frowned, "don't want you to hurt yourself, even though
I'd be the last man on earth to say 'no' to a blowjob from
you."
Vadim
grinned. "I'll be alright. And since anything else appears
to be out
" He moved back, kissing his way down
to Dan's groin, until he knelt on the floor, shoulders keeping
Dan's knees open. Needed to show how much he wanted, and wanted
to make Dan feel good. He took Dan's cock, which appeared
barely interested right now, but he was determined to change
that. And change it did, perhaps not as quickly as it might
have, ten years ago, or in a different situation, but the
interest was there, without fail.
Dan reached
for Vadim's head briefly, touching the short hair, before
lying back down again and closing his eyes. A luxury, right
now, and it was about much more than 'just' a blowjob.
Vadim
took him deep once he was fully hard, forcing his throat to
accept the intrusion, bringing it all the way. His eyes closed,
he concentrated on nothing but the heat and holding his breath,
both hands resting on the bed and steadying himself as he
brought his head down, and up, and down again, slow, controlled,
but as deep as he could.
Rewarded
by sounds that grew ever more urgent, and Dan's body, shuddering
beneath him. Thighs muscles trembling, as if Dan was under
a great strain, and his breath coming in ever more desperate
gasps. It was not quick, nor fast, but when he finally came,
he arched up from the bed, and Vadim's name was on Dan's lips.
A strangled sound, and an orgasm that took him with abandon.
Vadim
bore down against the arching body, allowed the cum to shoot
down his throat, swallowing purely by reflex, and then, when
Dan had relaxed and fallen back, slowly pulled back, cleaning
the cock and sucking on it some more. Licking it while it
was still hard, then rested his head on Dan's hip, pulling
the discarded blanket closer so Dan wouldn't be cold. "You
okay?"
"Shit,
yeah." Dan breathed out, grinning with closed eyes, fingers
reaching to stroke Vadim's short hair. "But isn't it
your turn now?"
"Don't
worry about me. I'd rather not have an orgasm with that wound
if I can help it."
"Okay,
I let you off this time."
Vadim
grinned and climbed back on the bed to lie next to Dan, moving
close enough to hold him and again touching head to head,
the blanket over them. They were silent for a very long time,
their breathing in sync, just lying and relaxing, until Dan
asked in a quiet voice, "if you ever go to
Hungary,
would you
would you look at Kisa for me and would you
take some photos?" He opened his eyes, heads still touching,
and he smiled tentatively.
"You've
thought about this a lot, hm? The trust, the photos
"
"It's
well, it's
" hesitating, if he weren't so
weathered, the heat that Dan suddenly felt in his face would
show on his cheeks. "I never expected this, but
I guess she is
" stammering almost, because damn,
this was hard, it was completely unknown territory. "Guess
she is
a part of me? One that's not fucked up. That
lives on when I'm long dead, that will hopefully one day fall
in love in a nice little place with a nice little partner
and lead a nice little life. One that has never killed, and
shit, if I believed in anything, I'd pray for this: one that
never will kill, and then wonder one day, what it said
about her that she couldn't feel remorse for any of the lives
she'd taken. Perhaps I just hope that
and I know how
fucking stupid I sound now, but, well, that maybe she can
be all that is good in my legacy, and none of the crap."
Vadim
smiled fondly and pressed Dan closer for a long, heartfelt
moment. "Sounds like you do feel remorse, though. Or
at least assume you're guilty in some way."
"I
don't know, don't quite understand what it is, but the kids
in the town
and then my brother and his family, even
the guys in Glasgow
I look at those civilians and I
think shit, if only they knew what I've really done, and how
I did it, and that I did what I did without any emotions.
It was and is a job, and I still take a life if I need to.
I mean, we just did, out there, and yet, fuck, what does that
make me? Not really something I want to think about, certainly
not from the point of view of a civilian." Dan smiled
wryly. "I guess it's best that Kisa will never know me.
At least she'll never find out, and neither can I fuck it
up with her."
"I've
thought similar things about my kids. That they were somehow
something
I've done right." Vadim kissed him again.
"I'll have a look at her. I should
check on Anya
and Nikolai, too."
"Aye,
and you do know that it's almost December, and what that means?"
"What's
the exact date?"
"Today?
Not sure, the twenty-seventh or something. But surely, you
must know what December means? You were home for Christmas
at least sometimes while your children were young, weren't
you?"
"Yes,
of course. Christmas. I thought you meant your birthday in
two days."
"That?"
Dan frowned, "forget that, not important. I never remember
it anyway and I've never celebrated it, or can you imagine
a birthday cake up in the mountains, with a bunch of Mujas
singing 'happy birthday'? No, I'm more interested in Christmas.
Don't know, it's just strangely special, after all."
"I
think our Christmas parties in the Soviet Army were a hell
of a lot nicer than the deal you got. And we could try to
get time off, especially since you are out of action with
that knee anyway. Book a place that has snow
some log
cabin. A fireplace."
"Snow?"
Dan grinned. "I thought you hated snow." He chuckled
for a moment. "You really think so? Somewhere that doesn't
have anyone shooting at us? Damn, sounds like a fine idea
to me, I'd just have to find a Christmas present somewhere
and fuck, that'll be the cruncher."
"I'd
be happy with a Christmas blowjob and a pair of socks."
Vadim laughed. "I don't understand why people think socks
are a crap present. Those people were never on the last pair
when doing some hardcore tabbing."
Dan laughed
out loud. "You can have a blowjob anytime, Christmas
or not, and I still know which are your favourite socks, boots,
and even your damned underwear size. I think you're onto something
here
we could go to Austria, it's just round the corner.
A week, just you and I, lots of food, and if my knee weren't
so fucked, some skiing. Sledding might have to do."
"Deal."
Vadim grinned. "Salzburg, then, I heard it's good. I'll
head out and book, okay?" He pushed himself up again.
"Seriously, Dan, I want to go on holiday after this.
We fucking deserve it."
"But
you won't get snowy alpine huts in Salzburg. You'd have to
look for something in Tyrol." Dan grinned, poking into
Vadim's good hip. "Not that I care, though, as long as
it means we are away from everything. I don't even mind self
catering. Right now I just can't stand the thought of being
in a hotel and lots of people around me. Silence, snow, Alps,
sound like bloody bliss to me."
"In
short: mountains. Okay."
"Aye
... I seem to kind of like them." Grinning, Dan sat up
as well. "I'd even tag around with you for a couple of
days so you can see the 'cultural sights', if I get the rest
in a solitary hut after that."
"What
about getting shaved and grab another bite in the mess? Should
I help you get dressed?"
Stretching,
Dan scratched the thick stubble in his face that began resembled
a beard far too closely. "Help me shave. I like that."
Vadim
grinned. "I'll do that. Let me get a bowl with hot water
and a bunch of clean towels." Giving Dan a shave and
then Dan shaving him, life seemed alright for a while again.
The CO
was, according to rumour, too busy to get the detailed briefing
now, and Vadim hoped he did something about that camp, but
the info probably had to filter back up the ranks again. So,
after the shaving, they sat in the mess and had food, at their
own leisure, with some of Dan's mates checking whether he
was okay and Dan explaining, that no, he hadn't been shot
in the leg, and the rumour that had spread around camp was
false. Holding his mug of coffee, Vadim reflected that Dan
didn't seem to have any lovers in this camp - at least not
so far. They were all mates.
They
went back to bed after Dan had called Maurice, getting Dima
onto the line as well, and staying far longer than intended,
to explain what had happened. Twenty minutes later, he hobbled
back into the room, to grab another shower, determined to
help Vadim shower as well, no matter what anyone might think
about two men showering together. They managed somehow to
push the two beds close again, and not all that much later,
they were both asleep. Resting uneventfully until the early
morning.
*
* * * * * *
They
got ready with plenty of time, hoping to spend it mostly in
the mess over breakfast, but the CO had different plans and
they barely managed to get a fry-up down their necks - at
least Dan did - before they had to go off to get grilled properly
for a couple of hours. Finally, the medic came to the office,
insisting that he would have to check Vadim's wound and that
Dan had to get ready for the hospital. For the first time
ever, Dan was actually glad to have to go to a hospital.
He was
taken in a military ambulance, just as white as all the other
vehicles, and examined thoroughly. Too thoroughly for his
taste, including shots of some nasty looking liquid into his
knee before scans and x-rays, but finally he was done. Sitting
in the waiting room while gagging for a fag, he was called
inside at last.
X-rays
of his knee - a ghostly outline of bones against dark - were
on display against the backlit white boxes adorning the doctor's
office. The man was relatively young, dark hair combed back,
and the white lab coat hung from his shoulders in a way that
suggested profound weariness. "Mr McFadyen? Please, have
a seat." He cast another long glance at the x-rays, as
if making absolutely sure.
"Aye,
thanks." Hobbling to the chair, fairly clumsy on those
crutches, Dan glanced up at the x-rays, unable to read much
into it, other than that it was a mess of black and white.
"Everything okay?"
"May
I ask for how long have you experienced discomfort in that
leg?"
"Well,
I had a bit of surgery some years back, but it was fine after
that. It's only recently been painful. For about half a year
or so."
"Did
the colleagues tell you to take it easy with the leg, or did
they tell you, you were as good as new? In the latter case,
you have the grounds for a lawsuit."
"No,
they
I was in a military hospital and was meant to
get a desk job after that. But I refused and left. Did
I, well, I still functioned and did a HALO jump as well as
a thousand other things. I'm something like a PMC, but not
quite as private."
"That
explains what I've seen. High strain after that first operation?
Sustained for years? I hope you at least cut back on the marathons."
The doctor sat down and leaned forward. "To be honest,
you will have to undergo surgery again. Back then, techniques
weren't as advanced, and we wouldn't make some mistakes anymore
that were state of the art back then."
"What
do you mean? Just some surgery and I can continue my job?
And what would the surgery entail?"
"You
should have taken that desk job, Mr McFadyen. The only thing
that we can do now from a medical perspective is a full knee
replacement. In other words, an artificial knee, which will
at least allow you movement with little discomfort, and retain
the mobility of your leg."
"What?"
Dan sat up, ramrod straight. "No way! I can't let you
do that. Or are you telling me that they are so good these
days that I'll be as good as new and can continue my job for
a while longer?"
The doctor
shook his head. "The artificial knee is not as good as
a natural one, not nearly. Placing it into your leg is not
a small operation. It's
a rather serious and long operation."
"You
have to understand, doctor, that my job is all I am and all
I know. If I have to retire, that's it. I'd retire,
and I'm only in my early forties."
"I
do understand." The doctor's air of weariness only deepened.
"And I wish I could tell you anything else, Mr McFadyen.
But you already got more out of your body than you should
have. Your knee is coming apart at this stage. The
problems you are having now will get worse, and there is only
so much painkillers can do
and I'm assuming you already
used painkillers to keep going?"
"Yes."
Dan conceded, and yet was not ready to give up. "Can
you not help me keep going a little longer? Just a few months
until I have sorted my affairs. I bought a farm in
New Zealand, it's dilapidated, but work is going on, while
I keep doing my job here."
"I'm
afraid not. I'm sorry."
Dan leaned
forward, meeting the doctor close up. "Isn't there anything?
Just for a while. I promise, I'll do what you tell me I have
to do, when it's time, when I have everything sorted."
The doctor
gave a sigh. "You are gambling away your long-term health.
Your knee may hold up a little longer - but I'm expecting
months rather than years - the swelling might come down, it
might all settle back to before it was that made it flare
up like that. I assume, using the right drugs and a lot of
rest, you might be able to hold out for a few months, but
that's ethically a very grey area, and I absolutely and totally
don't recommend it."
"But
you are not saying that it is impossible?" Dan brushed
some errand strands of grey-streaked hair from his eyes as
he looked up. "Doctor
please? Anything? I need
to get my life in order first."
The doctor
closed his eyes, seemingly defeated. "I'm saying that
by accepting long-term consequences, you might go on without
the proper treatment for a few months."
"I
do accept this. I have to." Dan smiled with relief. "I've
always accepted consequences in my life. If anything, then
that. And what can be worse than having an artificial knee?
If I keep going for a few months, I can at least sort my life."
He nodded, sitting straight. "So, then, what do I need
to do right now, and is there anything I can take for the
pain?"
"The
knee will have to rest a lot. The swelling has to come down
by itself, and I'll prescribe you something to give it some
support. You may grow dependent on the drugs, and they are
likely to interfere with your concentration and suitability
to do certain types of work. The best thing will be a lot
of rest, and absolutely no strain. And we'll have to carefully
monitor the status of your knee. I'm not happy with that Mr
McFadyen, and I ask you do to whatever you need to have done
before retiring as soon as possible. I might be mistaken about
the military profession, but you're gambling with your life
and that of your colleagues."
"I
would never do that. I give you my word, doctor, if I feel
my ability to function is jeopardised, I will immediately
stop and 'retire', as you put it." Dan took hold of the
crutches and got up. "Thank you. And
you are bound
to silence, aren't you?"
The doctor
looked gloomily at the images of Dan's knee shot from various
angles. "Yes, of course. Full confidentiality."
"Thank
you." Dan smiled, ignoring the disapproval, and hobbled
out of the room, where he was taken in by a nurse who strapped
up his knee and prepared painkillers, as well as sorting what
would be necessary to help the knee recuperate - as much as
it could, before he was driven back to camp.
*
* * * * * *
When
Dan returned to camp he was as cheerful as ever. The doctor's
words carefully stashed away to be ignored. A large pack of
painkillers in his pockets, he hobbled straight to the phones
to try and organise a cabin on short notice. After an hour
of what seemed like endless phone calls, he had achieved the
impossible. A family had had to cancel their booking for a
cabin up in the Tyrolean Alps, and they could have it for
a couple of weeks if they wanted. He was looking for Vadim
to tell him the good news, a triumphant grin on his face as
he hobbled across camp, starting to get the hang of the crutches.
Vadim
was just cleaning all the pairs of boots, shining them, and
going through their combined kit for holes and pieces that
needed to be replaced. Ever conscientious. Looking up and
then getting up when Dan struggled with the door, helping
him through. "What's the news?"
"I
got us a cabin! Hail me, the victorious hero of more phone
calls than I ever want to do in my life again." Dan let
himself fall down onto the bed. The way they'd strapped up
his knee made it all the more awkward.
"Hail,
thee, great white cabin hunter." Vadim put the other
boot down, checking if he had done the whole lot. Indeed.
Stowing the kit away. "Out on the next plane, then?"
"Not
quite. We got it over Christmas and New Year, because a family
had to cancel. We should get a plane for the week before Christmas.
Makes it something like three weeks. Gives us enough time
to heal and go see everyone we might need to see, aye? I'm
sure we'll get the time off. We are completely useless right
now anyway."
"Three
weeks. That's
let's see
Jean? Your family. Maybe
" Shit. My family. Our family. Vadim's
brow darkened. He should talk to Katya. He really should.
Or maybe let it settle. But it wouldn't hurt to hear both
sides of that particular story.
"I
meant
" Dan sighed, shook his head once and rubbed
over his face with the heel of his hand. Vigorously, as if
to get rid of cobwebs. "I meant people around here, Dima,
Maurice." Tilting his head, "Duncan and Mhairi invited
us, but it hasn't been long since we were visited them."
And how was he going to deal with the other family? Vadim's.
Not his. Just a sperm donor.
Vadim
frowned. "Hungary is a risk. But
an old friend
left me something. He's dead. Szandor. A
fencer."
Dan swallowed
and nodded, looking down at his fucked hand. "I met him."
"You
did? Of course. He was alive then. Shit."
"Aye,
he was in the training hall. They
they were fencing."
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